


The Pursuit to Slow Realisation

by Children_of_the_Shadows



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, RLSB - Freeform, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 00:42:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2488109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Children_of_the_Shadows/pseuds/Children_of_the_Shadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus has always had bad taste in men and he tops the polls when he starts to find Sirius Black attractive. Sirius is pompous, loud, plays horrible pranks and is ridiculously flirtatious. Worst of all, he is Remus's best friend. Muggle AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love on Santa's Lap

* * *

'Oh God, he's here again,' Lily moans as she steps back into the tent to hide. Her bony hip bumps right into Remus's crotch, making him reel back with a pained ' _oof'._ 'I can't believe it,' she continues her rant, the only acknowledgement to Remus's pain is a curious look towards his hand as he cups his balls to stave off the pain. 'Every bloody year, these two! I don't understand why dad doesn't just ban them from the mall.'

'Who in bloody hell are you talking about?' Remus bites back, not bothering to peek outside the tent. The mall is full of people at this time of year and even more people around their little celebration area. He is extremely agitated because now he has crotch pain to add to his already building headache – a result of listening to screaming and crying children all day for the entirety of the holidays. Remus can already feel his love for children dwindling rapidly.

'Him!' Lily points outside and her finger is way off mark (a sexist part of Remus points out that women have poor aim and directional sense but is wise to keep quiet about it). Yet, the minute Remus take a peek outside, he knows what she is talking about. It is hard to miss. There is after all, a grown man sitting on Santa's lap.

'There is a grown man sitting on Santa's lap,' Remus points out quite obviously. A very handsome grown man, he does not point out; because Lily always chastises his odd taste in men. Well, this one is not so much a man as perhaps an eighteen year old or so. But he is undeniably handsome: straight black hair cut choppily to fall right into his eyes; silvery eyes framed by impossibly dark lashes; and a wicked smile that is enough to make anyone swoon. Remus has never thought the day would come in his short life of seventeen years, when he would desperately want to be Santa Claus. He wonders what his mother will say to his new choice of career path.

'I cannot believe you're ogling at the creepy bloke on Santa's lap,' Lily shrieks indignantly. 'Remus, your taste in men in simply-'

'Appalling,' Remus finishes with an eye roll. 'Yes, you've pointed this out to me quite a few times. I think he's cute.' He doesn't bother looking at Lily's expression. He has known her since they were born and he knows the look of complete disapproval she is shooting him right now. It is too similar to his mother's for comfort. Perhaps that is why she was his first and only girl-crush. There is a perverted rule after all, that boys always seek their mothers in the women they date. 'And I think we're hardly the ones to talk. We  _are_ wearing elf costumes.'

'You look more like a werewolf than an elf,' Lily teases. 'Those ears are absolutely unbecoming. I can't believe dad let you be Santa's little helper. You're over six-four!' Lily herself is quite petite, barely five-two and often looks like she can be swallowed alive by Remus. Her fiery personality, however, more than makes up for her vertical disability.

Remus grins roguishly – something that Lily has told him looks completely off on his sweet, boy next door face. Remus hates his face; his ridiculously boyish looks are the reason he is left drinking at the bar alone every weekend. It is also the reason strange old men always feel him up in the tube or offer him sweeties. His substantial height does nothing to help. 'Desperate times call for desperate measures. How many little people can you find in this shite of a town; last minute nonetheless?' Remus sticks his head out to peek again and is frozen to the spot when grey eyes look right back at him.

Santa is adjusting his legs, quite obviously in pain. Remus imagines it is an enormous relief to finally have the man off his lap. Remus would have gladly offered up his in replacement.

'Hello.' The man greets, suddenly appearing in front of Remus's face and causing him to squeal like a little girl and fall back. He lands spectacularly on his bum and thinks this is the worst way to meet possibly the most attractive bloke he's ever seen. He blushes brightly as the man laughs and offers a hand up. 'All right?'

Lily huffs in irritation but Remus ignores her. 'Cheers,' he says, letting his hands linger for a few seconds too long as he hoists himself up.

'Didn't mean to startle you,' he apologises and Remus can't help but admire the timbre of his voice - deep and scratchy, almost like a growl. 'Listen, er,' he looks at Lily hesitantly, 'can I maybe talk to you for a second?'

'There are still five minutes left to his shift,' Lily adds icily, glaring at the other boy. Remus loves her but wishes she just would go away.

'I can buy you a coffee?' He offers and Remus is barely keeping himself jumping from excitement. He thinks of all the times he's wished attractive blokes like this one would ask him on a date. All the times he'd gotten annoyed because he'd been rejected yet again for being just too plain. Today, he thinks, is the best day of his life.

'Hot chocolate,' Remus supplies, already heading out despite Lily's furious scowl. He gives her a wink and an apologetic grin before focusing his undivided attention towards the ridiculously handsome man behind him. He coughs and looks away quickly when he realises he's being too fluttery and girly. He sees what is presumably the 'other irritating bloke' (according to Lily) give the both of them a thumbs up. The man's hideous plaid shirt screams straight.

'My name's Remus, by the way.'

'Sirius.'

'It really is!' Remus exclaims. 'It's a horrible name, I know, but I-'

'My name is Sirius,' Sirius corrects with a laugh. 'Sirius Black.'

'Oh,' Remus blushes, wondering if there is any other possible way he can further humiliate himself. Instead he orders a steaming hot chocolate from the little cafe and pretends to drown in it. He's doesn't open his mouth from fear that he is going to say something hideously embarrassing and clumsy.

'Listen,' Sirius starts, taking a sip of his coffee, 'the reason I wanted to talk to you is my friend, James.' He doesn't seem to notice Remus's frown. 'Thing is, he's absolutely mad about your friend: the bird with red hair.'

Remus can already feel his stomach sinking as he realises where this conversation is heading. 'Lily...'

'Personally, I think she's insane, but James has been trying to ask her out for nearly three years now.' Sirius rolls his eyes, clearly not amused by James's efforts. 'Now he figures that if I ask you out, he can maybe score a double date with her. And I honestly can't explain to him that just because I'm gay and you're gay doesn't necessarily make us gay  _together_.'

'No,' Remus lets out a weak laugh. 'Of course not.' He isn't even sure how, but Remus has managed to humiliate himself yet again without even trying. He is a stupidly tall elf getting rejected in the middle of the mall with what is undoubtedly milk foam on his upper lip. This, he thinks, is the worst day of his life.

'Honestly, you're not really my type. But at this point, I'm willing to try anything to make him shut up about her. He's actually a bloody decent chap if she gives him a chance.' Sirius turns to Remus, shooting him that blasted charming smile again. 'So what do you say? Can we do a pretend date just to get them started?'

Remus really should say no. He should really, honestly say no.

* * *

'I can't believe you dragged me into this.' Lily grouches as she walks into the quaint little café, completely ignoring the greeting at the entrance. 'I mean, it is one thing accepting a date from a complete punt, but to drag me along with it. You're lucky I love you so much, Remus Lupin, because I would have killed you otherwise.'

Remus says nothing. He knows Lily by now and knows only too well that opening his mouth will only fuel her temper further. The waiter on the other end is giving him sympathetic looks. As always, they are being mistaken for a couple; Lily as the over bearing girlfriend and Remus as her misfortunate partner.

Their relationship is unusual, Remus has to admit. They have been friends for as long as Remus can remember; their parents being good friends since college themselves. For a short period, they'd even dated. Lily had been all of Remus's firsts and he'd been so, so afraid of losing her friendship that he'd pretended to be her wonderful, straight boyfriend. He had remembered all their anniversaries, bought her flowers and showered her with gifts. He'd opened doors for her, held her when she had been upset, and won her parents over perfectly. All of Lily's friends had cooed over him, letting her know how lucky she was to have him, until she had broken down one day and confessed that she loved him but not in the romantic sense. He had just not been "her type". Remus had to admit that despite the immense relief her declaration had brought him, it had hurt. It had hurt because he had tried his hardest and given everything to the relationship, and he'd still not been enough. At the end of the day, it had seemed that Remus was never anybody's "type".

'Is she always this unbearable?'

Remus starts out of his thoughts only to find Sirius beside him. His breath catches as it hits him yet again how gorgeous the other man is. Sirius is wearing a black leather jacket over a band shirt Remus has never heard of. A pair of black bike gloves is hanging from the back pocket of his wonderfully tight jeans that hug his arse so perfectly that Remus can't help but look back and stare. There is a silver chain swinging from his neck that carries a wolf shaped pendant and what looks quite a bit like a paw print. His hair is pulled back in a tiny ponytail that should have been ridiculous but only brings more attention to his wonderfully light grey eyes. This, Remus thinks, is the reason he hadn't been able to say no. He had wanted to ogle at what was clearly the most magnificent human being he has ever laid eyes on.

Remus looks away with a blush when he realises that he's been staring too long. 'She yells because she cares.' He doesn't think he spoke very loud, but sees Lily shoot him a grateful look nonetheless. The look however turns spiteful yet again as Remus lets Sirius drag him into the seat beside him, leaving her to sit beside "James".

James would have been a decent looking chap had it not been his horrid assortment of shirts. Remus has an inkling that he chooses to wear shirts like this to keep away any misunderstandings of him being gay as well. He is also clearly infatuated with Lily. His hazel eyes only gets larger behind his black rimmed glasses as she grudgingly sits down beside him. His mouth opens and closes like a fish, unable to do much more than gargle. Remus would have laughed if he had not been feeling sorry for the bloke.

Remus is about to say something when the waiter interrupts them for their order. Lily orders her usual croissant and Earl Grey, and Sirius orders Black coffee (just like his name) and an entire breakfast package that is too big for one man alone. Clearly, Sirius has an insatiable appetite. The idea immediately conjures up dirty images in Remus's mind and he tries his hardest to shoo them away. When it comes to Remus, he orders an extra large cup of hot chocolate and two pieces of chocolate cake all for himself. Everyone apart from Lily looks at him with wide eyes and Remus finds his cheeks reddening, as he mumbles,  _'chocolate is good for you'._ James's order is nothing but unintelligible gargles and the waiter gives up after the third attempt. Sirius takes pity on him and orders instead.

'Told you he was stupidly smitten,' Sirius leans in and whispers into Remus's ear. 'He took two hours to get ready today; worse than a bloody woman.' When Remus raises a sarcastic eyebrow, Sirius laughs. 'I already told him that shirt wasn't doing him any favours, but he was convinced it was the one that would finally convince Lily of his charm.' He rolls his eyes as James, yet again, struggles to string two words together. 'This is bloody ridiculous.'

'Says the bloke sitting on Santa's lap yesterday,' Remus teases with a cheeky grin.

Sirius looks completely unabashed by Remus's friendly jibe. 'I missed a lot of my childhood, thanks to my family, so I take every opportunity to relive it the most I can. I've cared long enough about what people think.'

'Can't be that horrible,' Remus shrugs, 'Christmas goes on for three weeks in my family. We have a large extended family and everyone wants a part or really an excuse to get drunk. The first week of December, we have the entire family over at my house and it's like an episode of Coronation Street. There's always a fight breaking out somewhere over whose stuffing is better; people necking in the toilets; babies screaming their little diapers off; aunties pulling cheeks raw; and at least one heart attack that turns out to be just a repressed fart resulting from overeating.'

Sirius laughs so loud that it even breaks James out of his Lily induced haze. He doesn't apologise for the snorting either, and Remus can't help but find both the snort and the show of confidence endearing. 'Sounds like a riot,' he chuckles and then slowly turns somber. 'Christmases at the _Great and Noble Ancient House of Black,'_ he spits out his last name like a curse, 'are usually just a show - one big stuffy party where they discuss dirty politics and how anyone who's not English is filth. Inbred bastards can't even stand each other, but pose for the press like they are one big happy family.' By now, Sirius's fists are clenched. 'Trust me, I would give anything to have a Christmas like yours.'

Even Lily is now looking sorry for Sirius. James looks knowing, as if he's seen all of this beforehand and gone beyond feeling sorry for Sirius to just trying to support him. Remus has to admit that he is slightly impressed by the fact that Sirius is  _that_ kind of Black. It would certainly explain Sirius's ridiculously posh accent. The Blacks are old money; practically royalty; and so steeped into politics that it would take years to break the surface for air. 'I'm sorry,' he says sympathetically, his hand closing around Sirius's fists. 'You're invited to my place for Christmas if you like,' Remus blushes as soon as the offer spills from his mouth. Lily is looking at him incredulously, no doubt thinking that he is going too fast.  _It's only your first date,_ he can hear her scream. Thing is, it's not his first date. Sirius isn't even attracted to him and Remus has accepted this. But a part of him wants to see Sirius again and be with him just a little bit longer, even if it's just as friends. 'I mean, if you don't mind coming of course. It's not an obligation or anything.'

James smiles and answers for Sirius, 'We'd love to.'

Remus doesn't quite remember inviting James.

Lily's look is now murderous. She is part of the Lupin Christmas after all; as good as family. Remus doesn't quite understand why she is this furious, but has an inkling that it might have something to do with James sidling up to her in what he probably thinks is a conspicuous manner.

'Thanks,' Sirius whispers quietly, one hand on Remus's knee. 'This means a lot to James.'

Remus's voice is clogged in his throat and all he can think about is how lovely Sirius's fingers are and how he wishes they would move a little higher.

'I know I asked all this of you out of the blue and you really didn't have to do anything if you didn't want to.' Sirius smiled softly. 'You're a nice guy, Remus.'

Remus feels his heart sink as he realises that is exactly what he is: a Nice Guy. The guy who always did the right thing and never denied any favours; the guy everyone loved but no one was ever  _in_  love with. The Nice Guy.

Remus smiles bitterly. 'Thanks.'

* * *

'Remus, sweetheart, how are you?' Violet Evans hugs Remus tightly, kissing both his cheeks as her customary show of affection. 'I swear, you just get more and more handsome every day. Such a shame you and Lily aren't dating anymore.' She sighs, sadly glancing at her daughter. 'Look at him, Lily. Look how perfect he is; won't you rethink?'

'Mum, stop it!'

Mrs. Evans makes a disappointed noise and walks in to the living room to join the rest of the women, Lily following behind her after a kiss on Remus's cheek and an affectionately whispered,  _'ponce'._

Remus smiles and wonders what Mrs. Evans would say if she knew he were gay. But telling her would also mean telling his parents and he isn't quite ready for that disappointment yet. Remus's mother is already sobbing on a nightly basis over his future career choice.  _'With a brain like that, sweetheart, you could be a doctor'_ : is what she said. But Remus doesn't want to be a doctor or an athlete, like his dad wants. Remus wants to be a writer or perhaps a teacher. He has already applied to universities in London to study Literature.

'Uncle Remy, I fink I went on the carpet.'

Or maybe be wants to be a plumber.

He looks at his two year old nephew, wide amber eyes, thumb in mouth, and a very guilty stain in the front of his Andy Pandy trousers. This is an improvement, he thinks, because last year, Joey's aim had landed spectacularly on Remus's shoes.

'That is going to leave a stain.'

Remus turns to see Sirius and James behind him, looking at the stain on the carpet with amusement. James, for some ungodly reason, is wearing a suit coat on top of a hideously knitted, yellow Christmas sweater. Sirius is wearing something very similar but in red and despite the utter atrocity that it is, he manages to look handsome. Remus's heart would have fluttered had he not been currently faced with a larger pee stain on his mother's precious cream carpet. He also wonders if he can get away with not having to clean it if he pretended never to have noticed it.

'Thanks for the flowers,' Remus finally says, deciding that ignorance is bliss and he is already a disappointment so a little more of it will hardly make a difference.

'They're not for you.' James moves the bouquet of flowers away from Remus's outstretched hands possessively. Remus would have been offended if it wasn't for the hilariously love sick expression on James's face. Lily is in for one hell of a Christmas because James seems to be armed with a bucket load of charm and amusing conversation at hand (or in flash cards peeking out of his jacket pocket).

'Living room to your right,' Remus points out, sharing a secret grin between him and Sirius. They both wait and watch in silence until they hear the resounding sound of a slap and what is clearly the sound of Lily's temper shooting out the roof. A very colourful range of swears come next and Remus is sure all his little cousins and nephews are going to have a dandy time using them over the next few years at highly inappropriate times.

As if on cue, Remus's rather boisterous cousin, Ian Lupin steps into the stain on the carpet and shouts quite proudly, 'Son of a bitch!'

Remus sighs.

'Am I still invited?' Sirius asks, with a grin so large that it threatens to fall off. The light in his grey eyes dances as he looks from left to right, taking in all the screaming cousins, the boisterous aunts, and the clearly drunk uncles singing Christmas carols off tune. Remus's dad is leading this makeshift choir on the piano, his fingers slipping over the keys in his drunken haze. Only the Irish, he thinks, will ever get drunk  _before_ dinner.

Then Christmas tree falls, courtesy of Uncle Dara's enthusiastic dancing.

'Bloody brilliant,' Sirius mutters and Remus is surprised to actually hear excitement in his voice. When Remus looks at him with a raised eyebrow, he grins, 'I have never seen so many insane people in one room before. It's wicked!' Remus is sure that his and Sirius's definition of mayhem and chaos are vastly different. Sirius is already leaving Remus to join the party, immediately breaking into song with the rest of Remus's uncles.

It is at that exact moment that Remus finds imperfection in Sirius; the man's singing is as atrocious as James's sweater. He is even putting up a horrible accent to mimic the rest of the Lupin clan. It is astounding how he blends right in with the rest of the men, arm in arm with Remus's dad as they both break into a rapid and uncoordinated river dance. Remus groans out of embarrassment and heads out to rescue their Christmas tree.

The Christmas tree that is as grand and large as the current mess the house is in. He hears the shrill whistle of the kettle from the kitchen and sighs in relief when he thinks of his mother's delicious tea. When chocolate is scarce, turn to tea, Remus always says. His relief is short lived however, as the decorations bump against his head painfully. He only narrowly misses the falling angel from the very top of the tree. Good riddance, he thinks, because that angel looks at him funny every Christmas. It is evil, he reckons, because its eyes seem to follow him everywhere he went.

'Remus, me boy, come join us!' Remus's dad yells in his ear, making him cringe. John Lupin is a large man, much like Remus, except a ridiculous amount of stocky. His shoulders and chest stretch impossibly wide and a large beer belly hangs behind a tightly tucked shirt. His hands are the size of entire frying pans and have yet to lose a fight. He is a frightening man to look at, but his rosy cheeks and cheerful smile belie his stature. _'O holy night! The stars are brightly shining;  
it is the night of the dear Saviour's birth…'_

Remus plugs his ears and is just about to make his way to Lily (the only sane person in this madness), when he hears a muffled scream of panic behind him. He frowns and takes his fingers out of his ears, 'What?' He screams over the singing, looking back at Sirius waving his arms wildly. Was that a new dance now? Oh God, will his father start it too now? 'I can't hear you!' He yells over the ho-hum. 'What did you say?'

'I said, watch out!'

Remus doesn't even have time to process the meaning of this apparent warning. Because right then, he hears James scream,  _'Loose fireworks!'_ And is then subsequently barreled by what feels like cannonball to his gut. It feels like he's on fire. He falls backwards, feeling someone violently patting an already blossoming bruise on his stomach and realises he  _is_ on fire. He coughs, his eyes rolling upwards as he watches scores of feet surround him. His mum is crying and his dad is panicking an entire storm. Sirius is still straddling his knees and trying to put out the fire on Remus's jumper with that hideous red sweater. This, he thinks as he slips out of consciousness, is not as pleasurable as he imagined Sirius undressing on his lap would be.

' _We agreed to keep the fireworks till the end. I can't believe you! Indoors, too! He could have died or something!'_

' _I told you, it was a mistake! It just slipped out!'_

' _That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I know you did this on purpose to impress that stupid bint!'_

' _I did not!'_

' _Shut up, the both of you! I knew it was a big mistake for Remus to invite you, but the bloody idiot-'_

Remus groans. He cannot even be unconscious in peace. The door slams loudly and he feels the bed dip by his side. He knows from weight alone that it is Lily and that she must have only just entered. He groans even louder and moves close to her, because no matter how much she tells him off, she does care for him a rather lot. Remus also has a bit of a mummy complex and revels in the fussy maternal attention that Lily bestows him. Yet again, he wonders why exactly he is gay. It seems more trouble than it's worth.

'Come on, Remus, we need to take your shirt off,' he hears Lily say and sits up, despite his entire body telling him it would be easier to just sleep it off. He feels a slight twinge when the skin across his stomach pulls and he imagines that is where the burn is. It must be minor if he isn't in the ER already, though now that the others have stopped bickering, he can actually hear his mum sobbing quite hysterically on the other side.

'I asked your mum to stand outside for a bit,' Lily explains as if reading Remus's mind. 'You know how she gets. She nearly had Potter arrested; not that I'm against it.' Through his slitted eyes, he sees Lily shoot James a dirty look. James, for his part, looks thoroughly chastised and extremely guilty. 'It's a good thing Black was the only one actually thinking. I suppose your taste  _is_ getting a bit better,' she admits grudgingly.

Remus thinks it is the most inappropriate comment ever, given the situation. For one, he is in a decent bit of pain from both the burns and the impact; and would like nothing more than a pain killer and some sleep. He would also like some medication for the humiliation that is sure to last him for the rest of his life. Also, his bad taste in men hasn't improved in the slightest; he is fake-dating a bloke to hook up his best friend with someone she detests. Remus tries to remember a time when life was a little less complicated

'Arms up,' Lily instructs, gently pulling his t-shirt of his head. He notices that he is no longer wearing his favourite purple jumper and wonders if it is salvageable at all. He opens his eyes and looks pitifully at Lily, eyes conveying the sorrow he feels at the loss of his jumper. She dutifully ignores it and starts applying a familiar smelly cream on his abdomen, where his skin is bright red and peeling only a little. 'Sudocrem,' she explains shortly, though he knows this already. His mother has been using it to cure just about every ailment from nappy rashes to an ingrown toenail. 'Tell me if it hurts.'

'Cold,' Remus protests and is about to complain some more just for the heck of it when he realises that Sirius and James are watching him with their mouths wide open. James looks like his whole life is falling apart. Sirius simply looks in awe and Remus realises he has been behaving like a complete baby.  _Fuck,_ he thinks, feeling his face flush brightly as he tries to hide behind his hair.

'Wow!' Sirius exclaims after a while. 'Wow, I didn't expect you to be this…' He blinks and waves his hand at Remus's torso. Remus isn't sure what it is he's supposed to be seeing so he blinks in confusion, looks down, and tries to find some kind of mushroom growing on his chest. 'You are really…' Sirius swallows, eyes nearly bulging as he continues to looks at Remus. Remus is now convinced that his nipples are too big to be man nipples...or something… 'You are really _fit_.' One of Sirius's hands move over his abdominals in admiration. Remus's face feels on fire and he breathes in sharply when one of the fingers brush over his burn. 'Sorry,' Sirius apologises with a smile. 'Honestly, you look positively scrawny behind all those wooly jumpers and elf costumes.'

Lily swats Sirius's hands away, making James's glare intensify. 'He's a good swimmer,' she says gruffly, unrolling a rather large ball of bandages and getting started on mummifying Remus thoroughly. 'Can't you see the medals back there?' Sure enough, all of them turn to look at the tacky showcase full of trophies his mother had insisted on keeping. Remus has hated it from the very start and now with everyone's eyes on it, he feels the murderous urge to smash it to pieces. He isn't the type to flaunt his achievements or possessions; he is quiet and somewhat shy. On many occasions, he has tried to hide these medals behind his beloved books.'They're offering him a full scholarship to join the university team,' Lily adds more proudly than Remus's mother ever has.

Sirius looks thoroughly impressed and when he looks back at Remus, there is new found respect in his eyes. Perhaps, Remus thinks, the showcase isn't so bad. 'James and I are on the footy team. James is thinking of applying to one of the clubs this spring.'

James looks hopefully at Lily, who seems completely unimpressed by this little fact.

'I'll just go assure your mum, all right?' Lily says, snipping the end of the bandage and tying the end into a secure knot. Remus looks like he has a beer belly – much like his dad. 'Don't come out until I say so, though I think Patrick has it covered for the most part. He's the one who gave me the bandages; always has a handy supply in his car.'

Most people assume Cousin Patrick is a doctor because of his impressive supply of prescription drugs and medical equipment. Truth is, he has an extreme case of Illness Phobia, and constantly thinks he is dying of disease. It is of no reassurance whatsoever that Patrick is taking care of his mother.

' _Stay.´_ Lily scolds when Remus makes to get up. 'You'll make things worse and hurt yourself in the process.' She pushes him gently into the bed one last time, kisses his forehead, and leaves. Just before the door closes, she glares at James and Sirius with one last warning, 'Don't do anything stupid or I'll kill you.'

They all watch the door close awkwardly before James suddenly rounds on Remus, straddling his thighs. 'You bastard, you're straight!' He accuses, finger pointed right into Remus's face. He ignores Remus's startled expression and Sirius's bark of laughter. 'Why did you agree to go out with Sirius if-'

'First of all,' Remus bites out, miffed and feeling extremely uncomfortable as James continues to press into him, 'I did not agree to go out with Sirius. I'm not even his  _type.'_ He is glad to see Sirius wincing at the familiar jibe. He casts a nervous look towards James who seems to have not understood the situation. 'And I'm not straight either,' Remus clarifies further. 'The two of us have been friends since we were little, so it's only normal for us to be close. Not that I have to justify our actions to  _you. You_ who came to my house and attempted to murder me within the very first hour.'

'I told you that was a mistake! James cries out, throwing his hands up in exasperation. 'And how do I know you aren't lying?'

'He isn't lying, James,' Sirius drawls confidently, leaning back so that he and Remus are sharing a pillow, sides pressed against each other. Remus is more uncomfortable than ever before. He is shirtless, with two boys pressing too close to his body and no Lily to mediate in between. He is also still in pain and wonders if Lily bypassed the pain medicine just to make him suffer.

James glares through his owlish glasses. 'You don't know that…'

Sirius raises an eyebrow and then looks pointedly at Remus's crotch. There is a small but very noticeable bulge there and Remus curses the fact that he wore tight trousers today just to impress Sirius. Irony is cruel. 'Mate,' Sirius says in all seriousness, 'you're giving him a boner.'

At this rate, Remus thinks, burning to death would not have been so bad a fate.

* * *

'All right?'

Remus rubs his eyes and blinks. He looks outside and sure enough, the sun is barely up. It is the holidays and Remus is staring at Sirius Black's gorgeous face at an ungodly time of the morning. Remus knows it is ungodly because he is standing out in the freezing cold in his flannel ducky pyjamas (which he would never come out in consciously) and also because he is not in the least bit happy to be awake.

'Nice pyjamas,' Sirius comments with a raised eyebrow. His eyes go down to Remus's socks which are striped like a bleeding rainbow. If ever James decides to doubt Remus's sexuality again, this would be a good outfit to wear.

'What are you doing here?' Remus asks finally, after he has wrapped his head around the fact that this is not a bad dream and he really is awake. He wraps his arms around himself, shivering a little. Puffs of cold air escape his lips as he speaks again, 'it's barely morning…' Which is probably not true because Remus's parents are up; but the sun is being just as sleepy and stubborn as Remus is.

Sirius shrugs. 'Lily is awake,' when Remus looks at him with a puzzled expression, he rolls his eyes and says as if entirely obvious, 'James is stalking her.' He grins and then throws his arms around Remus's shoulders, inviting himself into the Lupin house. He kicks the door close behind him and Remus winces when he sees a large muddy footprint left behind. Remus's mother is not going to be happy. 'It was all right for the first half hour but then got a bit tedious really. Don't worry, James isn't a pervert,' he assures at Remus's worried look as they climb up the stairs to Remus's bedroom. 'He doesn't peek. That's me.' Sirius sends a sly wink jus as Remus takes off his shirt. Under normal circumstances, Remus would have blushed plenty but he is currently covered in a swath of bandages that are hardly any turn on.

It is weird how he doesn't feel as conscious as he should. His body is riddled with multiple scars, especially the one over his shoulder down to his chest. People always stare at them, though they aren't as obscene as they used to be when the accident first happened, but Remus has only ever been comfortable with his parents and Lily. Perhaps it is the nonchalant way Sirius lies back in his bed that eases him. Perhaps it is the ease at which their conversation flows; as if they've known each other for years rather than just days. This is after all, only the third time Remus is seeing Sirius; though their telephone calls have been much more frequent ever since the Lupin Christmas party after which Remus's mum took quite a shine to Sirius. Remus now knows that Sirius is a runaway from London, living with the Potters as a second son. He knows that Sirius is seventeen years old, going on eighteen in a few months. And that, just like Remus and Lily, he is taking a gap year between school and University to decide an appropriate career path. Remus also knows that Sirius loves dogs, meat pies, motorbikes, and pulling outrageous pranks. He  _really_ wants to know more.

'You're treating me to breakfast,' Remus grouches, pulling on his trousers. He rolls his eyes when Sirius clucks his tongue in disappointment. 'This is the third time you've woke me up from a perfectly good sleep. Every bloody time you call, my mum treats the phone like the Holy Grail.'

Sirius shrugs, though a cheeky grin is already creeping up his face. 'I can't help it if your mum fancies me.'

Remus pretends to gag. 'Let's go then. We need to be at the bus stop in ten minutes if we want to reach there any time today.' He shoves his feet in his shoes and then pulls Sirius forcefully out of the bed by his upper arm. He doesn't let go of Sirius's arm even when the boy starts walking by himself; mainly because Sirius has a tendency to get very distracted. The other part of him just wants to be able to hold Sirius's hand. He drops it when they come close to the kitchen where his parents are having breakfast and waves to his mother instead.

'Why don't we take your car?' Sirius asks, blowing a flying kiss to Mrs. Lupin as they move out of the house. The bus stop is only a block away but Remus still hurries. 'We could get there much faster. Just have your driver bring it over.'

Remus stops quite literally in his tracks. 'Sirius, I-' He honestly doesn't know what to say, so he huffs in exasperation. 'I'm  _middle class.'_

Sirius looks about as enlightened as a guppy. 'Does that mean your driver is poor?'

'It means I don't have a driver?' Remus explains with a laugh. 'Or much of a car for that matter; it can only go for about fifteen miles or so before falling apart. Honestly, how the hell did you come here?'

'The Potter's chaffeur dropped me off,' Sirius replies simply, as if it is the most obvious thing in the world. Remus had almost forgotten that the Potters were about as rich as the Blacks, though much more modest about their wealth. Despite being a runaway, Sirius's clothes are extremely well tailored and constantly smell of expensive perfume. Still, to be completely oblivious to public transport is a bit much; surely Sirius could not have lived that much of a sheltered little rich boy life.

'Come on then,' Remus beckons, when the bus pulls over in front of them. 'Get on before the masses start to push. If this is your first time, you're in for a hell of a ride!' He pulls Sirius up easily and thanks all the Gods up there that the bus isn't as badly crowded as most days. Though he has a feeling it is about to get worse. 'Please,' he offers up his seat to a very pretty woman even before he's sat down. She shoots him a grateful smile.

'Why did you give up your seat?' Sirius whispers a little too loudly. He frowns disdainfully at the woman beside him and then at the handlebars that Remus is clutching on to for life, as the bus rattles and shakes down the road. 'It was yours!'

Both Remus and the woman colour brightly. 'Sirius,' he whispers through clenched teeth, shooting an apologetic look at the woman. 'She's pregnant.'

If Remus is expecting Sirius to feel any remorse over the poor woman's situation, he is sadly mistaken. He simply turns his lip even higher and simply says, 'Then she should have asked her driver to take her instead.' He looks around the entire bus, taking in the wide array of people with not so polite curiosity. 'Are they all middle class?'

Remus groans and simply gives up answering any of Sirius's questions. 'Sirius, this is going to be a really long ride, so if you could maybe just  _not speak._ ' He tries to ignore the sinfully adorable pout on Sirius's face and focuses ahead instead. Which is a bit of a mistake, because he catches the eye of a middle aged man who is winking at him and making very lewd fisting motions. Not that this is anything new. This happens nearly everywhere Remus goes: the supermarket, the bus, even the bloody toilets. Lily calls him a  _geezer magnet_  in jest. Apparently, something about Remus's lanky stature, floppy brown hair, and pale boyish face is extremely attractive for men over the age of forty. Somewhere up there, Remus thinks God is having a right laugh at his constant failure in securing dates with people his age (or at least in the vicinity of it). He is seventeen, ready for university, and has only ever been on dates with Lily Evans. Sometimes, even Remus finds it hard to believe he is gay; he is not exactly putting up a very convincing argument.

'What's wrong?'

Remus looks to Sirius, who has been uncharacteristically quiet for five whole minutes. 'Hm?'

'You keep shuffling and flattening yourself against the window. I think you even got some gum stuck on your arse,' Sirius points out helpfully.

Remus smiles reassuringly at Sirius. 'It's nothing. Just a tactical move I learned early on.' He sighs when Sirius looks at him expectantly, obviously wanting some more information. Too used to the current situation to be embarrassed anymore, he looks pointedly at the old geezer giving him the eye. Already, the man has shifted himself two steps closer. 'Better gum than old man hands,' he explains cryptically but the way Sirius's eyes shift and darken, he can tell that the message has been received. Apparently, Sirius isn't quite as daft as he seems. 'It happens all the time, so nothing to worry abo- Sirius, what are you doing?' Remus cries when Sirius gets off his seat and positions himself right in front of Remus. His hands settle on each side of Remus's head for support as he leans so close that their noses are touching. Remus can even feel Sirius's trouser zipper against his thigh; it is extremely uncomfortable.

Sirius shoots a glare behind him; then turns back to Remus with a happy grin. 'Problem solved!'

Which is really not true, because now, Remus has to find a way to get his cock to move inwards so as to avoid brushing it with Sirius's. The torture is almost enough to wish the old chap was pressing into him instead. 'Sirius, this is really not necessary,' Remus tries, cursing himself when his voice comes off a little raspy. 'I can take care of myself.'

'Psh,' Sirius dismisses, his breath warm on Remus's cheek. 'I'm protecting your honour. Damn, you're so hard, Remus.'

Remus feels his face explode. 'I-I'm sorry…I-I-'

'Every inch of your body is bloody bone!'

Remus finds himself sag in relief. He is already giving up on struggling against Sirius's madness and just accepting the fact that he is stuck here for another half hour. At least the old timer has stopped staring, instead opting for a disgruntled expression. He leans his forehead against Sirius's shoulder, sighing. Once he gets over the fact that they are standing way too close, Remus realises that Sirius's shoulder is quite comfortable. His skin is just the right temperature and smells bloody wonderful. His hair occasionally tickles Remus's nose but otherwise, Remus finds himself getting almost sleepy in Sirius's arms.

'You know, I've wanted to ask you this for a while,' Sirius starts, one hand wrapping around Remus's back across the shoulder blades while the other braces their bodies against the window. 'Did you have an accident or something?' His fingers run over Remus's jumper, tracing, with perfect accuracy, one of the more prominent scars across Remus's chest. 'I noticed it the first time we met; that elf costume has quite a plunging neckline.' He smiles weakly at the feeble joke. 'You don't have to answer me if you don't want to…'

For a second, Remus hesitates. But then he looks at the sincerity in Sirius's grey eyes and finds himself admitting to a part of his life that very few people knew. 'When my dad was still in school, he witnessed a murder by Fenrir Greyback.' There is a sharp intake of breath from Sirius. 'People were afraid to testify against him back then; I guess they still are. So when my dad finally went to the police and then court; Fenrir got sentenced to twenty years on parole. Should have been for life, but he had friends in higher places, I suppose.' Remus looks out the window, quietly watching the people disembark as the bus comes to a stop. There is a little boy, no older than four, throwing a furious tantrum over a denied ice cream cone. 'When I was five, he got out. Prison had done him no favours and the only thing he wanted was revenge. And he got it.'

Sirius's face is set in a mixture of disgust, anger, and disbelief. 'But you were a-'

'A child?' Remus smiles bitterly. 'I only remember flashes of what happened, really. I remember him in my bedroom, looming over me. And I remember a knife and the feeling of his boots falling on my body. I was nearly dead when they found me. One of my ribs had punctured my lung and…' He points at the scar across his chest. 'My parents spent every penny they had on surgery and the best treatments.' That is the worst of it, he thinks, swallowing heavily. He has long conquered his fear of Greyback and knives, but the incident still brings forth painful memories that clog his throat. 'Even after I'd somehow made it, I had trouble breathing after that so they suggested I take up swimming to learn to regulate my breaths and also increase lung capacity. One thing led to another and it turns out that I have quite a knack for it.' He shifts slightly as Sirius's arms wrap a little tightly around him, as if in a reassuring hug. 'My breathing sometimes acts up when I panic a lot so… Swimming is kind of like my buffer; it calms me.'

'Is that why your mum was crying the other day?'

Remus laughs. 'Nah, that's just my mum. She even cries every time one of her dishes break. You should have seen her the other day when dad chipped a mug falling off the stairs. She couldn't decide what to be dramatic about so settled for crying at periodic intervals throughout the day.'

Sirius chuckles. 'You know, when I first met you, I was so sure I knew exactly who you are: the little mummy's boy who buttoned his shirts right up to the top and talked of nothing but the weather and politics.' He twirls one of Remus's curls between his fingers and then pushes it out of the way. 'But you continue to surprise me every time.'

Remus blushes, suddenly feeling ridiculously happy over such a simple little praise. He wonders what to say next. Should he say thank you? Or maybe he should give back a similar praise? Thankfully, he is saved from having to think too much when the bus screeches to a halt. 'That's our stop,' he says cheerfully, happy and disappointed at the same time to finally be out of Sirius's arms. 'Last one out is a geezer magnet!'

* * *

'Mhm, I'll see you on Sunday, then. No, you may not come at bloody eight in the morning just to see me in my ducky pyjamas again. Besides, I wear manlier, striped ones now.' Remus huffs. 'All right then. Bye!'

'Remus Lupin, look at you,' Lily singsongs, flopping on to the bed beside Remus and nudging him in the shoulder. 'Getting all love sick over the phone. I'm surprised you aren't getting engaged already.'

'Don't be daft,' Remus dismisses, though he knows his face is colouring a lovely shade of tomato already. 'I'm not love sick. We're just having a normal conversation about every day, trivial matter.'

'Really?' Lily raises an eyebrow and looks pointedly at the photograph of Sirius and him from the day they'd gone skiing. Remus had pretended to be terribly scared of heights just to have an excuse to cling to Sirius. It is pathetic, he knows, but every time he looks at the picture, he feels his stomach bubble from happiness. 'And everyday trivial matters usually consist of the two of you discussing what you're wearing right now and what you will be wearing on your twenty seventh date tomorrow?

Technically, they aren't really dates. After their first little hang out, Sirius has taken to asking Remus more and more to go places with him and teach him new things. They have even gone apartment scouting for when Sirius moves out (courtesy of Sirius's uncle's generous will which left behind a decent amount of "pocket money"). While Remus is thrilled at how fast they are becoming close friends, he can't help but let a tiny flame of hope linger. Still, he is and always has been a realist, so he doesn't act on it nor does he expect anything beyond a friendly relationship. He's okay, he thinks, with Sirius being just a really good mate.

'Lily, I'm gay. Of course I'm talking about clothes.' He ignores her disbelieving look as he uses his 'gay stereotype' card to get out of the situation. Unfortunately, Remus barely makes the minimum requirement of gay - having never actually dated a man or really kissed one. Having Lily as an ex-girlfriend does not help matters. 'Why are you even counting?'

Lily laughs and ruffles his hair. 'Look at you blushing! You are completely in love with him!' She laughs even louder when Remus argues with an, ' _am not!_ 'I have to admit, he's not a complete berk. Not like that bastard friend of his anyway. Do you know, he brought an entire orchestra to my front door last night, as he sang some ridiculous love song he's written himself! The neighbours will be talking about it for months!'

'For someone you can't stand, you seem to talk an awful lot about him,' Remus shoots back, hoping to deviate the topic from him and Sirius. The 'L' word had dropped so easily from Lily's mouth that Remus now finds himself in turmoil. He is afraid that it might actually be true.

'That's because he's always around, trying to open doors, pick out chairs, offer his jacket, read poetry...ugh!' Lily screams in frustration, messing up her hair and then flopping into Remus's lap. 'No amount of telling him to fuck off seems to work. I need a bloody restraining order.'

'He sounds like a dream to me,' Remus reasons, looking down at her. 'He means well and I think he genuinely fancies you. You need to stop being so hard on him and give him a chance.' When Lily huffs indignantly, Remus places a calming hand on her forehead. A tantrum is the last thing he needs from her.

'He's pompous,' Lily argues weakly, looking up at him. 'And so bloody loud, as if everything has to be a performance. He plays these horrid pranks and tries to charm and flirt his way with everyone in his path. It's bloody infuriating!'

It all sounds horridly familiar to Remus and he looks away from her uncomfortably. Another reason Remus doesn't allow himself to hope, despite him and Sirius getting closer, is because Sirius has a tendency to flirt with everyone. He throws winks and flying kisses all over the place. It was the worst on New Year's eve when they'd ventured to the club, where Sirius had been like the bloody pole everyone wanted to grind against. Back then, Remus had tried to dispel the hurt he felt when he saw Sirius pocket quite a few phone numbers, pretending instead to enjoy the barrage of free drinks.

'Did Sirius give you this shirt, then?' Lily's question breaks Remus out of his thoughts. 'I've never seen it before.'

Remus nods. 'Christmas present. It came with a box of chocolates, if you want to share...' He doesn't mention all the other presents Sirius keeps insisting on buying him, as he brings out a box of ridiculously expensive Belgian chocolates. The packaging alone is enough to make one's mouth water and the smell is absolutely heavenly.

Lily grins, popping two at a time without bothering to chew. 'Damn, Lupin, you scored a perfect man for yourself.'

And that was exactly Remus's problem. Sirius was just bloody perfect. Sirius also wasn't the least bit interested.

* * *

 


	2. A Sense of Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has always had bad taste in men and he tops the polls when he starts to find Sirius Black attractive. Sirius is pompous, loud, plays horrible pranks and is ridiculously flirtatious. Worst of all, he is Remus's best friend. Muggle AU.

* * *

The bloody dog is back and if the width of Remus's patience is anything to judge by, he is going to strangle it very, very soon. It has been howling for the past ten minutes and Remus doesn't give a shit if it is howling because it's leg is broken or its puppies died. Remus is going to kill it because waking him prematurely from slumber is like rousing a sleeping wolf.

'Awooooooo!'

'All right, that's it!' Remus yells, pushing his covers roughly. He looks around before spotting his bathroom slipper and picks it up as ammo. His aim is good and he knows where he wants his slipper to hit. 'Shut up, you stupid mutt!' He screams and slides open the window, only to have his voice get caught in his throat when he sees Sirius beneath his window.

'Awooooo!' Sirius howls again, looking up to wink at Remus. He has the most shit eating grin Remus has ever seen and it is only the possibility of breaking a limb that is keeping Remus from jumping out the window to strangle his friend. 'All right, Remus?' Sirius calls out loudly, waving merrily as if there is nothing wrong with showing up at someone's window at two in the morning.

'Sirius, what the fuck are you doing here?' Remus scream-whispers angrily. For good measure, he throws his slipper at Sirius and internally crows from joy when it hits him square in the forehead. 'Go home before you wake the whole neighbourhood!'

'Psh,' Sirius waves off dismissively. 'I was bored and James has been a total wanker since he took up wooing Lily. Be a mate, come on down. We'll take a walk in the park, make some yeti footprints in the snow. What do you say?'

Remus turns to look for his other slipper, because his reply can only be another knock to Sirius's head. Armed and flexing his biceps in preparation, he finds himself letting out an unmanly scream when he turns to find Sirius at his window sill. 'What the fuck?' He screams in a low voice, watching in horror as Sirius easily climbs through his window and jumps in froggy style. 'Are you a fucking chimpanzee? Get out of my room right now! Out, out, out! Before my parents find out!'

'Ouch, such hurtful words,' Sirius thumps his chest in mock pain and then, like a magic trick, brings out two bottles of Ogden's finest whisky from inside his jacket. He looks extremely pleased with himself as he crows, 'Especially when I bring the main act for our post New Year festivities. Come on, mate, let's settle down, shall we?'

Remus stares at him disbelievingly. 'You are mad,' he enunciates every word with a ridiculously awkward but self-explanatory hand motion. 'It is two in the morning and you just decided to break into my house to get smashed? Are you bloody serious?'

'Don't know about bloody, mate, but I am Sirius,' Sirius chuckles at his own joke, getting comfortable on Remus's bed. 'You've also forgotten to add that I stole the liquor from the Potter's cabinet.' He seems nonplussed by Remus's incredulous look. Instead, he leans back against Remus's wonderfully soft pillows and pries open the first bottle. 'Cheers, darling,' he raises the bottle to Remus and takes a generous swig. He doesn't even wince.

'Sirius,' Remus warns as he watches Sirius practically trying to drown himself with liquor.

'Remus, did you read the papers this morning?' Sirius asks, completely off topic as he wipes his mouth. He isn't the least bit drunk, Remus can tell, but his eyes look glazed over. It is as if a part of him is not even here. ' _The Most Ancient and Noble Family of Blacks celebrate the beginning of a New Year with the much awaited handover to brand new management, courtesy of their_ _ **only**_ _son: Regulus Arctus Black.'_

Remus wonders how many times Sirius has read this particular article to be able to recite it back so flawlessly. He feels himself loosen a bit as he watches the fake pompous swish of Sirius's arms with growing pity.

'I'm not asking for a fucking lordship here,' Sirius growls, taking another swig of his drink. The bottle is quickly emptying and Remus's earlier astonishment over Sirius's tolerance is quickly turning to dismay. Sirius has come here with every intention to get sloshed. 'They could have at least waited one fucking year before they decided to deny my existence entirely. I only lived there for all my fucking life!'

Remus no longer knows what to say. They have barely known each other for a month and despite having gotten very close, Sirius's family seems to be an incredibly sensitive topic. Remus isn't the type to pry so now he just feels lost. He doesn't know enough to think of an appropriate response. All he knows really is that Sirius had run away when he was sixteen due to irreconcilable differences. He also knows that Sirius's mother is a  _'power hungry, stuck up bitch from hell_ '. 'Have you talked to James about this?' Remus asks reasonably, as he slowly makes his way towards Sirius and settles down beside him.

'Who gives a bloody fuck, he says, since I've always hated them anyway.' Sirius pulls Remus closer, so that they are now sitting side by side, leaning against the headboard. The bed is too small for this and Remus is sure one of them will topple over soon enough. 'And he is bloody right! I should celebrate my freedom from the  _Noble and Most Fucked Up House of Black._ And I choose to celebrate my freedom with you, Remus! You should be absolutely honoured!' He slings an arm over Remus's shoulders, spilling a generous amount of liquid on his pyjamas in the process. 'FREEDOM!' He breaks out in a scream suddenly and Remus hurries to cover his mouth. 'FRMHHHPH!' Sirius attempts to scream his fake euphoria despite the muffling and Remus hopes to God that his parents are still asleep.

'God,' Remus mutters, wiping his brow after Sirius finally gets the hint and quiets down. Pinching the bridge of his nose from irritation, he sighs and then finally snatches the bottle out of Sirius's hands. He downs the little that's left of it in one go, shuddering and trying his hardest not to retch. Remus isn't a big drinker; has never been a big fan of anything past a casual bottle of beer. 'Awful,' he finally chokes out, as he fixes his watery eyes on Sirius.

Sirius shrugs, though there is a small smile playing on his face. He pulls out the second bottle, rolling it in his hands as if inspecting it. 'Freedom is a good thing, isn't it, mate?' He asks rhetorically. 'Years of them telling me I wasn't good enough; that I was a fucking disgrace. Everything I did was wrong. Every bloody little thing. And the way she would look at me...' He lets his head drop onto Remus's shoulder as he passes the bottle over. 'You know what we should do? We should sneak out and stage some pranks. Piss in the Royal Gardens, draw cocks all over the tube - the kind that gets front page new coverage.'

Remus hums, not humouring with him with an answer. He knows that Sirius is every bit capable of wreaking enough havoc to go to jail; is almost surprised that he hasn't already been there. He also knows that Sirius is safe as long as he's here - with Remus keeping him at bay. 'We start practice sessions tomorrow,' he tries to veer the rather large elephant out of the room. He runs his fingers through Sirius's dark hair, wondering if it is inappropriate. Sirius doesn't seem to mind; in fact, he seems to be leaning towards it. 'We're preparing for the final Championship in June, where a lot of these University scouts will be coming. It isn't that big of a deal but you mentioned last time that...I mean, you could come and watch if your hangover isn't too awful.'

Sirius closes his eyes as Remus kneads his scalp. 'Don't be daft; of course I'll come. But only if you agree to come to the Potter's next week. They have this enormous themed party and Mr. and Mrs. Potter always dress up in the most garish of costumes.' His words are starting to slur a bit but Remus can see that Sirius's mood is starting to pick up to its usual self and for that he feels a rush of relief. 'Last year, Mrs. Potter came as Merlin and Mr. Potter was the whore of Merlin.'

Remus has the urge to slap his forehead. He resists by downing a bit more than necessary from Sirius's bottle. Already, he can feel a bit of a buzz, though he is sure he isn't even close to being as drunk as Sirius - who is now practically forcing all his weight into Remus's side. 'Sirius,' he starts slowly, pushing himself up a bit more to support their combined weights. 'Did you leave a message with James? I imagine they'd be worried in the morning if they didn't find you in bed.'

'James is nosy,' Sirius complains petulantly, digging his nose into Remus's neck. It feels as if Sirius is sniffing him and had he been in his right mind, Remus would have pushed the boy right off him. But Sirius's doggish snuffles feel oddly pleasant, just as the feel of Sirius in his arms feels just right. 'He would have wanted to come and I don't want him to.'

Sirius's feet come just above Remus's ankles, his toes brushing playfully. Sirius's arms hold Remus loosely around the torso and Remus cannot be arsed to tell him off. He stares at the bottle, half empty and wonders if the alcohol is bringing his inhibitions down to a point of no return. He needs to stop drinking now. 'Why not?'

'He  _likes_ you,' Sirius spits vehemently. 'Keeps saying you're a  _nice_ bloke and how he wants to go out together sometime. It's bloody inappropriate.'

Remus doesn't think it is inappropriate at all. He quite likes James, too (despite the slight stalker tendencies), and wouldn't at all mind going out for a movie or something. They talk on the phone sometimes, though James mostly just blabbers on about how brilliant Lily is and where she might be going tomorrow if Remus would know.

'I don't want to share you,' Sirius admits drunkenly. He reaches for the bottle in Remus's hands but misses when the other boy moves it away to the side table. He puts up a halfhearted protest before giving up against Remus's chest. 'You're my mate, aren't you? Not his. This thing...' Sirius waves randomly from Remus's face to his. 'This is us. You and me. I don't want to have to share this brilliantly comfortable shoulder with James Bloody Potter.'

Remus feels close to euphoric. There are butterflies in his stomach running rampant and his toes are tingling. He wants to say thank you and maybe even express how brilliant he thinks Sirius is, but finds himself somehow tilting sideways. He isn't sure why he is tilting or even falling off the bed like this, as he is usually quite good with balance. Then he realises he is drunk and that he is in the company of an even more drunk Sirius Black who seems to be determined to fall with him, arm in arm. They both go down to the floor, Remus first and Sirius on top of him with a pronounced 'oomph!'

'Unhh,' Sirius groans unintelligibly, forcing himself up with both hands. He seems to give up half way through when his head starts to sway, letting himself fall into Remus all over again. 'Damn, you're fit,' he murmurs into Remus's neck, his wandering hands running over Remus's shoulders, neck, and chest. Remus feels his breath hitch as those hands move under his shirt and continue their exploration.

He should be resisting. He should. But his body is the epitome of betrayal as a low moan rips out his throat and his chest arches into Sirius's touch. Sirius's lips are sucking at his neck now, small sharp teeth biting hard enough to leave marks. Then, a tongue flicks against his lips and Remus only has to stare at Sirius's blown out pupils before he finds himself giving in. His eyes close and his mouth opens to Sirius's insistent lips. His arms feel like jelly as they move up to wrap around Sirius's torso and then slowly, boldly, move to cup Sirius's arse.

He knows Sirius likes it the minute he does this from the low hum of Sirius's moan and the push of his hips against Remus's. Remus can also feel Sirius's very prominent erection through his trousers. It helps that Remus is just as hard and desperate, rubbing himself shamelessly against Sirius's thigh. He has never been this turned on his entire life and his heady lust gives him courage to go further than he has ever gone with anyone before.

His hands scrabble to remove Sirius's clothing, fingers fumbling and slipping over the button of Sirius's jeans. There are too many layers to work with, he thinks with frustration, as he pulls off Sirius's jumper roughly.

Sirius breaks their kiss momentarily to growl, 'Bed,' and then shoves his tongue down Remus's throat again. Swiping the inside of his mouth, over his teeth, biting into his lip, roughly pulling him and shoving him onto the bed - there is no finesse in Sirius's movements. His objective is to get Remus as naked as possible underneath him, all the while murmuring unintelligible praises against his skin.

It hits Remus just how beautiful Sirius is at that moment. His hair is plastered to his skin from sweat and he is panting Remus's name like a last prayer. His cheeks are flushed a lovely pink, lips swollen and bruised, and eyes swirling with hundreds of shades of grey. Remus runs his hand over Sirius's body, flawless in every way. It is all angles and tight wiry muscles that flex with every move he makes against Remus. The wolf pendant he wears on his neck feels pleasantly cool as it brushes on Remus's sensitive skin. But it is Sirius's cock that Remus can't take his eyes off and he is about to take it in hand, when he hears Sirius's hoarse voice plead with him:

'Turn over.'

Remus doesn't question it. He is too far gone to turn back now anyway and he has also come to the realisation that drunk or not, he will do anything Sirius asks of him. Just like that, he is on his hands and knees, legs spread wide and chest heaving as he watches Sirius spit into his palm.

The first intrusion is painful at best, agonising at its worst. He makes a keening noise of pain and buries his head into the pillow; yet he doesn't ask Sirius to stop even once. He bears it with gritted teeth, feeling exposed and horrid as one finger becomes two, then three, and then it is _Sirius_ that is inside him. Remus cries out the first few thrusts, his eyes pooling with involuntary tears and fist clenching around his bed sheets. Sirius's hand closes around his gently, prying one finger at a time. Soft butterfly kisses rain down the back of his neck and shoulders and another hand holds him around his stomach securely. And slowly, it doesn't feel so bad. He pushes hesitantly against Sirius's cock, grateful for the slow friction within him. His breath hitches when Sirius takes Remus's cock in hand, pumping it in the same rhythm as his shallow thrust.

'Fuck!' Remus cries out when Sirius thrusts into him in an angle and hits something that feels like a bloody miracle. And this isn't bad at all. This is bloody brilliant because Sirius is suddenly hitting it every single time and Remus's mouth is hanging open, as he pants and tries to breathe from the overload of sensations he is receiving. Unsurprisingly, he doesn't last long at all and finds himself muffling his orgasm into the mattress. He is coming harder than he has ever had before and the force of it makes his entire body shudder and shake. His heart is beating holes into his chest and his lungs feel tight as he struggles to breathe. His arms have already given out underneath him and though he knows Sirius is above him, against him,  _inside_ him, he can't feel anything beyond his own orgasm and the raging sensitivity of his skin. He feels as if on fire.

Just before completely losing conscious, Remus hopes that it is as good for Sirius as it is for him.

When Remus comes to, the first thing he sees is Sirius trying to sneak out of his window. In that one moment, his entire world feels like it is shattering into pieces, and he knows that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. In a moment of drunken haze, he has allowed himself to be hopeful and reckless. His arse is sore and his skin is covered in goose bumps from the cold. His blanket is lying somewhere on the floor, his lattice of ugly scars open for everyone to see. He feels ashamed, weak, and foolish.

'You need to turn the lock to the left,' Remus says softly. His voice comes out surprisingly calm and he fixes a neutral expression on his face as he bends down to pick up his clothes. The buttons of his favourite pyjama top are torn and he looks at them is dismay, feeling just as tattered and damaged.

Sirius's face looks much like a thief caught in the act. His shoes fall from him hands as he whirls around to face Remus, mouth opening and closing a few times before croaking out, 'Didn't think you were awake...'

Remus shrugs and pulls on his trousers. 'Pity. Seems like I am,' he cannot help the bite of spite in his voice from coming through. But he doesn't want to seem bitter when this entire ordeal is his own mistake. His mistake for trusting Sirius; his mistake for taking fancy to someone he knew was impossible to have. It isn't as if he was unaware of Sirius's personality.

He hears Sirius sigh but ignores it. 'Look, Remus, yesterday was...it was great, brilliant actually, but...' there is hesitation in his voice but Remus has no intention of making this easier. If Sirius is going to run out on him, then he will at least apologise and give Remus the respect he deserves. 'We were drunk and I...I have a tendency to do stupid things and I think I've just surpassed all forms of stupid with this.' He moves further away so that his back is against the windowsill; as if afraid Remus will attack him. Remus wants to, but he is hoping the window will give out before that. 'You know me...I'm not...' Sirius is stuttering over his words now, not even bothering to look at Remus anymore. 'You're an attractive bloke, Remus, and a lot of fun but...the thing is...I really don't date your type.'

If Remus thought the pain in his arse was bad, this is close to unbearable. This time, he lets his mask fall and his rage show through. His face contorts in ugly fury and he grabs the lamp on his bedside and throws it at Sirius violently. Remus's aim is good, but unfortunately, Sirius's dodge is better. The lamp simply crashes into the wall and if Remus is expecting his parents' concerned shouts, he doesn't get any. He doesn't give a fuck now anyway. 'My type? My type? What the fuck does that even mean?' He shouts, eyes searching for something else to throw. His slippers are already outside in the grass somewhere, thanks to last night. 'At least have the fucking decency to apologise instead of throwing feeble excuses at me, you bloody bastard!'

Sirius frowns and just as easily twists to mirror Remus's furious expression. His face is bleeding red as he screams back just as loud, 'This is exactly why I wanted to avoid you from the very beginning! Everything is a bloody big deal to you! I've seen your type a hundred times - needy and clingy and constantly talking about pointless nonsense! I give you a single glance and suddenly you want a bloody relationship out of it!'

Remus feels his face overheat and burn. ' _You_  came on to  _me_!  _You_  slept with  _me_!'

'No, Remus!' Sirius bangs his fist against the wall. 'I  _fucked_ you! That's it!'

Remus is shaking now; clenching and unclenching his fists as his jaw hardens. All he wanted was an apology. He hadn't even tried to kid himself into thinking Sirius had meant anything by last night. He had just wanted a simple sorry before he tried his best to forget about it and go back to being friends. 'Get out,' he whispers in a low tone, his eyes glaring daggers into Sirius. 'Get out of my room and never, ever come back.'

Sirius's eyes soften if only a little. He looks about to say something but Remus turns away. His eyes are burning now but he has no intention of crying; not in front of Sirius or even himself for that matter. He is not a child, though at the moment his chest and bones hurt so much that he just wants to sleep it off. If he closes his eyes, he thinks that maybe he can sleep through all the pain and wake up to his old self again. Maybe he will have forgotten this day entirely.

'Goodbye, Remus.'

* * *

'Blasted Potter!' Lily mutters as she quickly hides behind a rather large bouquet of roses. She cannot believe that even in the ponciest of flower shops, she has managed to run into that infernal Potter boy and his best friend Black. Had they not been in a heated conversation, Lily might have actually thought Potter was following her. It isn't as if he hasn't done it before. But this time, it seems to be a genuine coincidence. She frowns as she watches the exchange between the two friends start to turn fowl. Cursing her curiosity, she inches closer, using the large pots to hide her easily petite frame.

'Sirius, I cannot believe you! I-You know when Remus mentioned it, I didn't get it but this...' Potter's face is a mixture of disgust and disbelief.

'You're the one who forced me into asking him out,' Black argues heatedly and Lily wonders what this is about.

If she was curious before, she is more so now because Remus hasn't talked to her for nearly a week now. Every time she calls, he brushes her off with excuses of practice and entrance exams. She is sick of it. And if these two misfit boys are going to give her answers, then she is going to eavesdrop, God damn it!

'I never bloody forced you into anything!' Potter nearly yells, his eyes flashing behind his glasses. 'If you didn't want to, you could have bloody said so instead of stringing him along into fake a relationship with you!'

Lily finds herself going into confused shock. What did this mean exactly?

'I thought you'd be happy about this!' Black states in exasperation. His hands fly up, nearly hitting the vase into Lily's face. 'I did it so that you could get to know that bint you fancy. And you did, didn't you?'

'Not at the expense of someone else's feelings!' Potter screams so loud that he attracts the attention of the florists. He looks at them apologetically before he continues their argument at a lower tone that Lily has to lean in to hear. She pretty much has understood the gist of it but she wants to be sure before she throws a well-deserved punch into Black's face. 'And if you were both putting an act then you should have kept it that way. Why the fuck did you have to sleep with him?'

Black's grunt is the only thing that hides Lily's gasp of shock. As far as Lily knows, which is a decent bit of far, Remus is a virgin. Which means...

Lily feels her hands clench to fists, nails digging into her palm. Stupid Remus. Stupid, stupid Remus who is just so stupid and probably hurt and Lily cannot believe all this has happened without her knowledge. Why didn't he tell her?

'We were drunk!'

James rolls his eyes. 'Oh, don't give me that shite excuse!'

'He knew what he was getting into!' Black continues to argue adamantly, despite Potter's quickly growing fury. 'He knew everything about me!'

Potter's jaw hardens as he regards his best friend with ill-concealed disappointment. 'Sirius, I've known you my whole life and I'm only just finding out how big a bastard you really are. What chance did that poor bloke ever have?' He looks about to say something more but finally gives up hope, shakes his head, and turns to leave. Two steps away, just as Lily is about to get out and give Black a piece of her mind, he stops and says, 'You know what, I'm not done yet,' and then smashes his fist right into Black's nose.

The people around them scream in shock as Sirius cries out in pain. There are a few attempting to call the police even as Potter is walking away with a smug expression. There is blood spilling all over their pretty flowers and the fake green grass carpet that Lily has never particularly liked anyway. She watches Potter's turned back calmly walk out the door, a little jingle of the bell signaling his departure. And amidst all the chaos, Lily has never loved James Potter more her entire life.

* * *

_Blue._

_It's all he sees._

_A startling blue that feels like the sky because he is flying. That's how it feels whenever he is in the water, like he's flying. It's ironic really._

_But today, the flying doesn't feel as free nor as light. Today, all he can think about is his mother and father and their hushed voices. His mind adds expressions of twisted disgust on his mother's face and the shame on his father's face as they find out what he is. He feels dirty. He feels scared. Scared that he will be alone. Scared that he will be a disappointment. Scared no one will love him anymore. Scared, scared, so very scared._

_So scared that it hurts his chest._

_White._

_That is the colour of the fear he feels. Blinding white that appears in spots behind his eyelids and causes a searing tightness to his lungs. It makes his head swirl and he can't make out any coherent thought except that_ _**they know.** _ _They know. They know. They know. Remus has stood behind the kitchen doors and heard them discuss it. Discuss his and Sirius's stupid, stupid, drunken tryst. What do we do with him, John, his mother had asked. (We can't keep him now; he's vile: Remus's mind adds)._

_They had loved him before Sirius came into his life. His parents had wanted him. Remus had hidden it so, so well all these years before he fell stupidly in love._

_He had had no choice but to run away. When they found him standing at the kitchen door with red rimmed eyes, he could do nothing but run._

_Black._

_It is the last colour Remus sees before he falls and then rises._

* * *

This is a bad idea. Sirius knows this is a bad idea but his legs seem to heavily disagree. He is walking, cheesy flower bouquet in hand, right into the lion's den. The truth and the only reason he is doing this is because he misses Remus. A lot. He has never felt guilty about his conquests because the truth is, he has never felt any kind of companionship with them like he has with Remus. Sirius hadn't wanted to screw things up between him and Remus. He had never wanted to go beyond the friendship they so easily shared. No, that is not true. Sirius had been attracted to Remus for an exceedingly long time now – heart twinging, cock twitching, toe tingling; the works really. He had just never wanted to act on it.

'He won't want to see me,' Sirius whispers to himself, looking down at the flowers. They are expensive – a bright mixture of blues and whites and reds. He remembers that Remus isn't someone who is very privy towards money, unlike every other person Sirius has ever met. Sirius has never had any friends beyond James. It is why he had taken to Remus so easily and wanted to spend every living hour with him. He feels stupid now for his actions. James is right; he  _is_  a bastard.

Sirius doesn't even know why he's coming to watch Remus practice. It isn't even a championship or the finals, or any other huge event. He knows about it because Lily invited James over to watch. Yet, a part of Sirius still remembers his promise to come and the passion in Remus's eyes when he talks about the finals. He doesn't understand why Remus wants to pursue a career in literature when he obviously has something he is much more enthusiastic about. Then again, there are a lot of things Sirius still doesn't know or understand about Remus.

He is just about ready to throw the flowers in the nearest bin and go back home, when he finds himself jolted out of his thoughts with the ever growing sound of an ambulance siren. He looks up to see said ambulance whizzing past him, its force ruffling his clothes and hair. He only gets the chance to read  _St. Mungo's Hospital_  from afar, before he finds himself being mobbed by a crowd. They are all trying to catch sight of the ambulance leaving; it is a sign of a small town because in London, no one would bat an eyelash over the matter. There is commotion everywhere and Sirius can only make out heads and bodies bumping against him as they cry out their worries. There is an older man's voice asking everyone to calm down and settle back inside, followed by the information that practice is cancelled for the day. Sirius can see only his hands waving above the crowd, pointing towards the gym entrance. Amidst all the chaos, he can hear the very prominent sound of his best friend, James Potter.

'He'll be all right, I promise. You heard them; he'll be…'

He catches sight of James's unruly mop of black hair and hurries towards him. He doesn't even know what is going on, but he can already feel a bad omen spreading through his body and turning his legs to lead. He finds James holding Lily Evans tightly, while muttering soft reassurances to her. She is so small, she barely comes up to his chest; and holds on to his waist in what looks like a death grip. Her face is mess of mascara streaks as a result of her tears.

'What's happening?' Sirius asks finally, watching as the fuss seems to slowly dissipate. He hears a few names drop here and there, but he doesn't want to assume anything. So, he asks again, 'What's happening?'

For a split second, James's eyes regard him with the same hardened glare he's had for the past week and a half. Then it mellows as he whispers, 'Remus stopped breathing a little while back. None of us know what happened; just that all of a sudden, he was drowning and…' James trails off as Lily lets out a huge sob.

Sirius feels the colour drain from his face and the bouquet in his hand fall unceremoniously to the pavement. He thinks perhaps he's gone deaf also, because everything seems to sound muted. He can see James's mouth move but all he registers is the sound of his own beating heart over complete vaccuum. He is stuck; almost as if frozen in time because he can't seem to move a single part of his body. He wants to scream but his mouth won't move; he wants to run but his legs won't move; he wants to fall to the ground in despair but his knees won't buckle.

Then he feels himself reel back as Lily's hands push him roughly. 'This is your fault!' she screams suddenly, shoving him again. Her eyes are bright red from all the crying and she looks close to going mad. 'Everything that's happened is your fault.' Sirius blinks at her and then looks to James, only to find an equally blank look. 'He genuinely loved you! He would have done anything for you! But you played him and used him! You didn't even apologise or fucking ask him if he was okay!' She pushes him again and Sirius finds himself nearly overbalancing. Her wrath feels like fire as she advances towards him, burning and fuming. She is banging on his chest like a mad woman now and Sirius can do nothing but stare at her helplessly because every word out of her mouth is true. 'It's because of you he was sick! It's because of you his parents found out today!'

'Wait,' Sirius croaks out, stopping her by the wrists, 'his parents didn't know he was gay?' When Lily shakes her head, Sirius falls back a step. 'Did they...were they angry?'

Lily shakes her head again. 'No.'

'Then why?'

'He didn't know. He overheard them talking and like always, the bloody idiot always assumed the worst. Mrs. Lupin will die if anything happens to him. She won't be able to take it…' Lily seems unable to speak anymore. Dissolving into uncontrollable tears and holding on to Sirius like an anchor even though she clearly detested him. 'I'll kill you,' she cries, fisting the back of his shirt. 'If anything happens to him, I'll kill you first, Black.'

* * *

'Mum, I'm fine.'

'Hush,' Mrs. Lupin sobs as she wipes unnecessarily at Remus's mouth. 'Don't talk back to your mother.' She lifts a spoon full of soup to his lips, 'Eat. You're so thin.' She dissolves into a fresh bout of tears making Remus sigh.

He looks at Lily who is sitting quietly at his bedside. She also looks about to cry and keep her bottom lip between her teeth as, Remus assumes, she tries to stave off a tearful rant. He feels horrible for having brought this on himself and causing everyone so much pain.

'I'm sorry,' he says softly.

'Don't be stupid,' his mother replies, patting him softly on the cheek and then stroking it lovingly. 'John and I should have handled things better or just approached you directly. We just wanted you to tell us the truth, that's all. We should have come to you as soon as you found us out but neither of us knew how to broach the subject. I didn't think you would be so distraught. I didn't think you would take it the wrong way and assume that we didn't love you anymore.' She wipes her eyes. 'We thought we'd lost you for sure this time. We were so scared.'

Remus looks at his lap, cursing himself for feeling relieved and happy over his mum's confession. They still loved him. He was still their son. 'Is dad all right?'

'I don't think I've ever seen your father cry so much.' She brushes his hair out of his eyes and kisses his forehead. 'He's just talking to the doctor; I'll go get him, all right?'

Remus nods, watching her leave guiltily. His chest gives a warning twinge, so he closes his eyes and tries to keep calm. There is no use making everyone worry even more over him. 'Guess that was a bit stupid of me, eh?' He cast a weak smile at Lily's direction, opening up his arms for the hug he knew she'd been waiting for.

As predicted, Lily leaps into his arms, burying her face deep into his shoulder as she lets free the sobs she'd been holding in the entire time. 'Bastard,' she cries, purposely wiping her nose on his hospital gown. 'Why couldn't you just talk to me? You're always trying to tackle all your problems by yourself. Even you have a limit, you know! You're such a stupid, bloody, over assuming wanker.' She bangs her fist against his chest. 'I hate you!'

Remus pats her head reassuringly. 'James told you, then. What happened between Sirius and I?'

Lily nods before curling her lip in disgust, 'Bastard.' There is a frightening amount of hate in her eyes as she speaks about Sirius, 'I should have never let him get close to you. I should have paid better attention or asked around to find out what he was like. I shou-mmph!'

Remus clamps a hand over her mouth. 'You're getting a little bit creepy over here, Lily. I'm not a child and as much as I enjoy you becoming gung-ho possessive about me, I think I can handle this on my own.' He lets his hand off her mouth slightly but immediately puts it back when he sees her readying another ridiculous speech. 'Look, the fault was mine, not his. I knew what I was getting into from the very beginning and I also knew the kind of person he was. I was careful the entire time but...' Remus sighs. 'It was my fault for getting my hopes up that night. I mean, I should have known he was completely out of my league.'

Lily pulls his hand away from her lips to protest. 'That's not true! You're bloody brilliant and far too good for him, in my opinion!'

Remus rolls his eyes. 'Lily, I wasn't even good enough for  _you.'_

Whatever argument Lily was about to pose dies down. She stares at him with an odd expression in her eyes that even Remus as her best friend cannot identify. Again, Remus is beating himself up for mentioning something so insensitive. True, that Lily's rejection had hurt him immensely back then but he had promised himself to never raise the issue. It had been her decision and Remus didn't fancy confrontation much. He stares at his hands awkwardly and traces the veins with his index. When finally the elephant in the room becomes a mammoth, Remus decides to apologise.

However, Lily beats him to it. 'I've always loved you, Remus. From the very beginning.' Her face is extremely close now and from this distance, her green eyes seem startlingly clear. 'You were everything my parents wanted; the envy of all my friends; and you were damn good to me. It's why I fought to stay friends with you all these years. It's even why I'm still stupidly single after all this time; because I keep comparing every guy I date with you and no one seems as perfect.' She inches uncomfortably close and Remus finds himself moving back, pressing himself into his pillows. Her long, fiery hair sways, brushing his cheek.

Then suddenly, her lips are on his and Remus thinks this is the most awkward moment of his life because he really does not want to kiss her. Her lips are soft and taste of cherry; something he should enjoy but all he can think of, as he lays there stiff with shock, is  _ohmyfuckingGod_ and _getoff getoff getoff._ These two seconds worth of kiss is almost horrifying. He isn't sure what to tell her or how to explain the fact that he is gay (which she already knows). His face is steadily heating up to the temperature of a sauna and he stutters over his thoughts and words as she pulls away. He is sure he looks like a complete fool, staring at her this way.

Her laughter confirms it, as she sits back. She doesn't look upset which is a very good start. 'Problem was: you were never quite happy with me. So, I did the best thing for the both of us and broke things off.' She kicks him gently with her toes. It is a form of reassurance only she can give. 'Hey, can I get another one?'

'What?' Remus is ashamed to admit that his voice comes out as too much of a squeak. Though he is feeling a bit relieved; for a second he had thought Lily had meant everything she'd just said. 'Definitely not!'

'Come on!' Lily climbs on to the bed, nudging him teasingly. 'All those years fancying you, I deserve a bit more, don't you think? Besides, I swear I remembered you kissing better than this. What the fuck was that? You were just lying there like a dead fish. It was terrible!' She puckers her lips in exaggeration, doing a horrible imitation of a gasping fish.

Remus cannot help but laugh, shoving her playfully. Suddenly, everything feels back to normal. The fear of rejection from his parents, the pain of heartbreak and Sirius's cruel words, and the rising panic that came from knowing it might all end for him right now – everything seemed to be dissipating. In that moment, he realises how much he loves his parents and Lily for always being there for him. The two of them are like children all over again, all flailing arms and limbs as they wrestle on the creaky hospital bed, Lily making kissy faces at him the entire time.

'Oh, er, sorry for interrupting.'

Remus's face falls when he sees Sirius at the door, an obscenely large bouquet of flowers in his one hand and a box of chocolates in the other. He doesn't fail to notice that Sirius has remembered his favourite brand of chocolates and even the flavor. 'It's okay,' he says finally, looking away. He wants to scream and throw things and tell Sirius to get the fuck out, but finds he no longer has the energy to be angry. It hurts too much now and he is grateful for Lily's slight hand that slips into his.

Sirius's eyes follow their joint hands before coming up to meet Remus's eyes. 'I…I came to watch you practice and heard…' He shuffles his feet awkwardly and looks at Lily pointedly. 'Can I maybe talk to Remus alone?'

Remus expects Lily to argue or her usual fiery temper to flare in his defense, but some kind of message passes between Sirius and her. She simply nods in understanding and soon, Remus finds her hand slipping away from his. He scrabbles for it almost desperately, managing to hold on to her pinky finger and tug at it insistently.  _Stay,_ he wants to tell her but feels almost ashamed to.

'Five minutes,' Lily shoots back at Sirius finally, adding a glare for good measure. She turns back to smile at Remus reassuringly before pulling her hand away.

He wants to chase after her. Run away. Anything to make the thudding of his heart stop. In his head, he screams at her: ' _traitor!'_

'How are you feeling now?' Sirius asks, as he places the flowers on the bedside table. They are so big that they overshadow all the ones he's received so far, glitter from the bows sprinkling a trail all over the floor and the beads rattling noisily together. It looks ridiculous and tacky, and Remus wants to just throw it away. If not, then to at least hide behind it so that he doesn't have to see Sirius's face.

Yet, all Remus does is shrug. 'Fine.'

'That's good. I was worried…'

'You don't have to force yourself to worry about me,' Remus replies coldly. 'It isn't exactly the prerequisite for a fuck.'

Sirius flinches as if hit. 'I-' He looks at his shoes for a short while, as if debating over what to say. At least, Remus thinks, he looks rightfully ashamed. He is sure that Sirius will just give up and leave in a little while. So it comes as a bit of a shock when Sirius suddenly sits down on the bed, right beside his hip and grabs both his hands. 'I'm an arse. I am an utter wanker. It's been my problem from the very beginning. I don't know when to stop or how to consider the consequences before opening my big, fat gob.' He takes a deep breath and Remus is sure Sirius has pre-practiced this speech beforehand. 'Truth is, you're the first friend I ever had besides James. And even James is more my brother than anything. You were the first person who didn't care much about my looks or my money or that I played pranks all the time. You didn't bother me about my temper and you always knew how to have fun.'

'If you're trying to flatter your way-'

'No!' Sirius interrupts vehemently. 'No, I'm trying to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I said and did. And that I miss you and I'd do anything to have you back as my friend. Absolutely anything!'

'I-' Now, Remus doesn't even know what to say.

'Please,' Sirius begs, his hold on Remus's hands tightening almost painfully. His voice is shaking and Remus wonders if all this is real; if Sirius really did want to be his friend so desperately and why? 'I know you're angry and that I don't deserve it. You can hit me or scream at me; anything you want. Please...please...just...' Sirius falls forward, back bent and head resting on Remus's knee. He looks weird like this; prostrating in front of Remus like he's fallen to prayer.

Suddenly, Remus feels all his residual anger leaving him. He curses himself silently because surely, he is capable of hanging on to his anger for a little while longer. But this is all he wanted from the very beginning, isn't it: an apology? No, that isn't true. He had wanted more. He had wanted to  _be_ with Sirius; he had wanted Sirius to fall in love with him. But these are feelings Remus can bottle in and handle himself. He is practical in that sense; he can always differentiate between fantasy and reality. 'It's okay,' he finally says with a soft sigh, gently prying Sirius's head up to meet his eyes. 'I forgive you…'

* * *

 


	3. Slow Realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has always had bad taste in men and he tops the polls when he starts to find Sirius Black attractive. Sirius is pompous, loud, plays horrible pranks and is ridiculously flirtatious. Worst of all, he is Remus's best friend. Muggle AU.

* * *

'You.'

'Well spotted,' Sirius rolls his eyes, trying to push his way past her.

Lily purposely stands in front of him again, arms crossed over her chest and a menacing look plastered on her face. She looks every bit of the bully that she is and Sirius wonders, yet again, how Remus is friends with a she-devil like her. Their personalities clash horribly: she is loud, bossy, wet-blanket grade commanding, and past coddling to just plain  _smothering_. Remus, on the other hand, is kind, quiet, sweet, with a hint of mischief that is very much appreciated. 'I'm coming in to visit Remus like I always do. Since when are you his gate keeper?' He tries to move past her again to get to Remus's room but is blocked by all five feet of her. His hands are already aching from holding on this long.

'In case you haven't noticed, this is not a gate, it is a window. And you, sir, are breaking an entry.'

Sirius looks down to judge the distance of his fall and how much damage will come to him if she doesn't let him in within the next five minutes. _She-devil,_ he thinks again with growing amount of hate. 'Look, I don't know what your problem is, but this is how I always come in. So move aside, and let me see Remus.'

Lily raises an eyebrow. 'No,' she replies simply.

'No?' Sirius  _hates_ her and the murderous glare he shoots her communicates exactly how much. 'Since when are you Remus's keeper? This is his house and his room, so why don't you just fuck off.'

'Remus might have forgiven you but don't get ahead of yourself,' she sneers, 'He only did it because he's stupidly nice and can never stay angry at anyone. That's the kind of person he is. But if you think you're going to pull one over me, you've got another thing coming…' The heels of her hands rests on the knuckles of both of Sirius's, pressing down so that the grooves of the window frame dug into his skin painfully. Her face looms over his, green eyes boring into grey. 'I don't like you, Black. I don't like you at all and keep in mind that I've got my eye on you…'

'I'm terrified,' Sirius's tone is mocking. 'Listen Evans and listen well, you're not Remus's girlfriend so stop acting like you are.' He crows internally when she jolts back in surprise. He uses this opportunity to hoist himself up and sits on the windowsill. Just as he predicted, Remus is sound asleep. There are a few pill bottles on his bedside table, fewer than the ones in the hospital, but still too many. Sirius knows that Remus following his medication to the tee because he is worried about the finals and whether he will be able to go back to practices soon enough. Sirius turns his attention back to Evans, 'You know as well as I do that the reason things aren't awkward between the two of you is because he's dismissed your feelings as a joke or a thing of the past. That kiss you put all your hopes into? He didn't even understand it.'

' _Bastard,_ ' Lily spits, her face going red and hands clenching into fists. It is unbelievable that she thinks she has gone unnoticed. Sirius had seen everything that day in the hospital but had kept quiet out of respect for Remus alone. He doesn't care about her but Sirius knows that it will tear Remus apart if anything ever came between his and Lily's friendship. 'You fucking  _bastard._ How dare you threaten me?'

'I'm not,' Sirius retorts. 'Don't think so low of me, Evans. I have no intention of threatening you or using that little bit of information.' He looks past her at Remus again, making sure he is asleep. Sirius is mostly sure he is, because Remus's medication tends to be a powerful sedative. He still lowers his voice, just in case ashe stands up. He is playing dirty, he knows: using his height advantage to intimidate her and look down at her. 'But I am  _warning_ you. Don't act all high and mighty when you're as deep in the dirt as me. What I did to Remus - aren't you doing the same to James?' His eyes turn serious and he places his hands on both her shoulders. 'You know he's in love with you but you still agreed to go out with him. So which of us is being cruel now?'

Lily opens her mouth and then closes it, clearly at a loss of words. She looks to be in turmoil and Sirius almost feels sorry for her, but he needs an answer and is willing to press for it if necessary. She looks back at Remus, just like Sirius, but with a wistful look in her eyes. 'I'm not stupid enough to stay hung up on him after all this time. That's what I keep telling myself at least. And James is the first person who made me think that it's all right to feel this way. I haven't kept any secrets from him, nor am I deceiving him,' she replies softly. Then, as if realising the chink in her hard exterior, she scoffs and fixes her usual glare back at him. 'Now, get lost before I string you from this window by the hair on your balls.'

Sirius winces. 'No,' he replies, though he can already feel his legs rearranging themselves to protect his privates. He doesn't trust her and knows for a fact that she is every bit capable of following through her threat. 'I want to see him. I'm not leaving until I do, so you can do whatever it is you want.'

There is a look on Lily's face that Sirius cannot read, but it looks close to pity. 'Look, what do you think Remus's mum is going to say when she sees you here?'

'What-'

'They  _heard_ you, Sirius,' Lily stresses. 'They heard every word you'd said to Remus that night.'

Sirius finds his face paling. 'I can apologise and-'

'Remus is their son. Do you think they will ever forgive you for hurting him?'

Sirius looks past Lily's shoulder at Remus again. He looks so peaceful and Sirius only now realises how light Remus's skin is – like cream. He thinks of the pink tint in Remus's cheeks whenever he laughs too hard at Sirius's jokes or gets embarrassed over being teased. He thinks of how much he missed this tiny detail when Remus had been mad at him. How much he will miss it if Remus's parents forbid them from ever meeting gain. 'I-' Sirius tries to think of a good excuse; some redeeming point of his that he can use in his defense against Remus's parents. When he finds none, he squares his shoulder and starts walking towards Remus's bed defiantly. He looks back at Lily, eyes challenging her to stop him as he stands right on top of Remus. 'I don't give a rat's arse. I won't stop visiting or being his friend, even if you put a fucking gun to my head.'

Now Lily  _is_ looking at him with pity. 'Black, have you ever taken the time to listen to the words coming out of your mouth?'

Sirius is too busy running his hands through Remus's hair to hear her at first. He knows Remus likes it and just as he thinks it, he is rewarded by a content smile spreading across Remus's lips as he unconsciously moves towards Sirius's hands.

'Black!'

Sirius startles. 'What?'

Lily looks at him disbelievingly. 'You!'

'Why do you keep saying that?' Sirius rolls his eyes. 'I am well aware that I am, in fact,  _me.'_

'Just,' Lily pinches the bridge of her nose, 'get out. Get out and figure things out. You're obviously…' She sighs as if in a loss for words. Sirius just thinks she's too stupid to come up with any. 'Just go before you manage to hurt someone again…'

* * *

They are close; too close, Sirius thinks. Sirius isn't stupid. He can always tell when people fancy each other, and right now he can tell that Lily Evans has feelings for Remus Lupin. She hides them surprisingly well, in between dating James and being the vivacious best friend. But Sirius was there when she kissed Remus in the hospital and he knew she'd pinned a decent bit of hope onto it. He had seen her face crumple at Remus's reaction and even as daft, daft Remus undermined the sincerity of her confession. Honestly, he cannot stand Lily Evans and it is only by unspoken agreement that he keeps quiet in exchange for letting him near Remus again.

James is a fool for loving her.

'I'll go get the drinks,' Remus says, bobbing to the edge of the pool and hoisting himself up. He purposely splashes Lily as he gets out, earning more laughter from her.

The Potter's indoor pool is something of a miracle in this weather. Sirius assumes it is a thing only money can buy as it is an impressive facility, complete with their own pool boy/lifeguard, personal gym and a tiny greenhouse that Mrs. Potter takes care of personally. Despite the heater working furiously, the glass roof meant to let in sunlight only shows a not so welcome collection of snow very characteristic of the North. The water however, is refreshingly warm against their skins and ripple gently from the constant activity of four restless teenagers. Even Sirius has to admit that this is the best idea James has ever come up with; not only because of the endless supply of snacks and beer or even because it is just plain fun. But because Sirius has been granted the mouthwatering view of Remus in his element, his wiry body glistening with water and cheeks flushed from joy.

'The same for you two?'

Both James and Sirius nod, as they watch Remus walk to the counter. Sirius wishes Remus had worn something a bit smaller than his silly yellow trunks but can't bring himself to complain as they slip off his bum to reveal the initial swell of two very perfect arse cheeks. He has never denied that Remus is extremely fit, but knows it is wrong to stare so soon after having patched things up. So instead he turns to James, only to wish he hadn't.

James has already wound an arm around Lily's shoulder, kissing her cheek at sickeningly regular intervals. She smiles indulgently and for a moment, it honestly looks as if she is somewhat smitten with James. Sirius shoots her a glare anyway.

'Sirius, why don't you make yourself useful and help Remus with the drinks?' James says idly, now burying his nose in Lily's red hair and kissing her neck. His hand is somewhere under the water that Sirius would rather not think about.

Sirius thinks that all gingers are conniving bitches and all brunettes are horny bastards. He himself is one really.

'Go on,' James makes a shooing motion with his hand, not even noticing the smug look Lily shoots Sirius. It is bad enough that she is unnaturally cosy with Remus; now she is also playing with James's priorities.

'Ginger devil,' he mutters under his breath as he gets up grudgingly. He grabs a towel to dry himself off as he approaches Remus who is bent over the cooler. 'All right?' He asks, patting Remus on the shoulder, and feels a pang of hurt when Remus flinches under his touch.

Things aren't quite back to normal with them yet. Remus still regards him warily, as if expecting Sirius to say and or do something horrible all over again. Conversation between them is stunted, which has never happened before, and even casual touching seems awkward and misplaced now. The tension between the two of them is too thick to even cut with diamond. Sirius reckons he deserves this after the way he's acted. A part of him also says that this friendship is already beyond salvation but every cell in Sirius's being still craves Remus attention. Sirius doesn't know why it is so important to try and patch things between them, or even why he feels he needs to be with Remus at all times. He isn't the type to question his instincts.

'Are they at it again?'

Sirius looks back and sure enough, James and Lily are attached at the lips yet again. It brings forth the urge to throw up. 'Fuck, they never seem to stop for air!'

Remus snorts and rolls his eyes. 'It's hard to believe that a few weeks ago, Lily couldn't stand the sight of him. We should just super glue them together and save both of us those bloody phonecalls about how much they miss each other.'

Sirius raises an eyebrow. 'You get those, too?'

'I get one from Lily and another from James every bloody day.'

Sirius feels extremely sorry for Remus. 'And I thought I had it bad.' He notices the pool boy skulking around the area again but doesn't pay much mind to it. It is his job after all; perhaps he thinks James and Lily are drowning. Sirius wishes they were, just to save his eyes from further torture.

He shrugs and slings his towel around his shoulders. Remus is looking at him expectantly, drinks in hand, when Sirius realises he's blocking the way. Not that he cares. 'Listen, there is this brilliant new movie coming out and I've already asked James to go but he's busy wi-' He frowns when he notices the pool boy coming towards them and looks back. It didn't seem like there was any trouble anywhere. 'Sorry,' Sirius apologises, still distracted. 'As I was saying, we could perhaps go together on Sunday and...' Sirius trails off again as the pool boy stands directly in front of them, mouth quirked up in a cocky grin.

'Hi!'

Remus dutifully steps aside, assuming the boy is talking to Sirius, who just looks at him quizzically. 'Can I help you?' Sirius asks, his eyes checking out the boy in front of him. Fit body; face cut to perfection; and an attitude to match - exactly the kind Sirius went for. Yet, for some reason, he only felt irritation over being interrupted.

'Er, I was talking to Remus actually. It  _is_  Remus, isn't it?' Thick Welsh accent; almost as thick as his deep set eyebrows - Sirius already doesn't like this bloke; something about his perfectly brown hair and his perfectly dimpled cheeks is very off putting.

Remus seems startled at being addressed so directly and can only nod.

Sirius's frown deepens.

'I've seen you come around a lot. My name's Keiron by the way.'

Horrible name, Sirius thinks. The worst kind of name there is; it sounds like a cheese manufacturer. Now that Sirius thinks about it, even Kieron's skin is like cheese – pasty yellow – and not at all attractive. So when Kieron holds out his hand to Remus for a shake, Sirius's surreptitiously comes in the way.

Kieron frowns, but seems undeterred. 'You're bloody brilliant. I was watching you swim for a really long time, before it finally hit me: I've seen you in the local paper. You've won a lot of regional championships, haven't you? I surf a decent bit myself.' He laughs as Remus blushes bright red and mumbles a very shaky yes. 'So, listen, I was thinking maybe the two of us cou-'

Sirius doesn't give Kieron time to finish, grabbing Remus by the wrist roughly and pulling him back to the pool. 'Shut up,' he growls when Remus tries to protest. 'Don't talk. Just…' He finds himself seething at the absolute gall of the bastard to actually proposition Remus like this. His face is burning hot and images of all the ways he can maim the bastard flash in his mind. Kieron is nothing; just a stupid over confident pool boy who thinks he is all that. He is  _nothing_ in comparison to Remus. 'Just stay here,' Sirius scolds Remus, stopping at the edge of the pool. From the corner of his eyes, he can see James and Lily looking at him curiously but he ignores it. 'Don't go near him again.'

'But-'

Sirius hates that Remus is protesting. Hates that Remus is looking past his shoulder at what is undoubtedly that blasted pool boy. He hates that Remus seems so adorably confused despite how pathetically obvious this situation is. 'Just, listen to me, all right? Don't go near him again. He's bad news.'

Remus scowls. 'You talk as if you know him.'

Of course Sirius knows him. Sirius  _is_ him. 'I do,' he lies. 'And he's got a bad reputation for sleeping around and cheating and…and  _drugs!'_

'But he's Welsh,' Remus protests.

Oh for heaven's sake. 'That is no reason to put him on a pedestal. Even the Welsh can be abusers!'

'I meant; you've stayed in London all your life, so how could you possibly know him?'

'You're part Irish and you're here,' Sirius retorts. 'Besides, he transferred to our school for his GCSE's. Don't be fooled by his mediocre pursuit of career. His family is old money. Too much money can do things to you, you know.' There is no shame in protecting Remus, Sirius thinks. Lies aren't really lies if there is a possibility that there is truth in them; and in Sirius's head, new possibilities are created every day. 'Besides, why do you think he's this buff? Steroids! Not to mention, he has a feet fetish!'

'A feet fetish?'

'Are you honestly telling me that you didn't notice him ogling your perfectly straight, may I add, toenails?'

The horrified expression on Remus's face is enough to rejoice on. 'I just thought he wanted to discuss swimming?'

Sirius is filled with the overwhelming need to pinch Remus's cheeks, both to bring him into reality and because Remus is currently being too adorably daft for words. 'He was flirting with you,' Sirius explains finally with an eye roll. He cannot believe that Remus actually looks shocked as if the possibility of that happening is the same as being crowned Miss Camp Universe. 'Look, you just stay here, all right? I'm going to go and have a word with him and get all our drinks as well.'

Remus looks as if he wants to say something more. His eyes waver from Sirius to Kieron who is still standing beside the cooler with a knowing smirk on his face. Kieron waves and the minute Remus hesitates, Sirius knows he has won the war. Sure enough, a second later, Remus sighs, shrugs and dives back into the water. He grins a little when Sirius complains about getting wet all over again, and then swims away - back to Lily and James. He doesn't look back and Sirius is glad, because he would have caught Sirius flexing his fingers in preparation for a good strangulation.

'So, is he your boyfriend, then?'

Sirius cracks his knuckles, straightening his shoulders to look bigger, much like an animal looking to intimidate. He can feel a possessive growl rising to his throat. 'Not really.' His grey eyes bore into Kieron's light blue threateningly.

'Oh good,' Kieron replies obliviously. He leans in closer to whisper, as if sharing some huge secret. His blue eyes are sparkling with what Sirius classifies as  _pure evil_. 'I have a real thing for innocent bookish types. Helps that he's fit and looks like a damn good shag, too. I don't suppose you could-'

Whatever it is that Kieron was going to ask is interrupted by Sirius's fist in his mouth and a subsequent kick to the groin.

If there was any shouting involved, Sirius didn't really hear anything. Nor did he feel any hands pulling him away while he thrashed and kicked. He did remember seeing a lot of red though; with burst of hot white rage clouding his vision. He also remembered Remus's face close to his, his lips moving to form Sirius's name. It was worth it, he will think at that very moment. For Remus, everything seems bloody worth it.

* * *

'So, Lily and I have decided to get married.'

The beer in Sirius's mouth is spit out in an impressive arch all over James's face. 'Excuse me?' He asks incredulously, his voice going a pitch higher than it really ought to.

James wipes his face with a napkin, expression twisting with disgust. 'Thanks, mate.'

'Are you out of your fucking mind? You've only been going out for three months now. Did you talk him into this?' Sirius glares accusingly at Lily - the bane of his existence.

'I proposed to her yesterday,' James adds defensively, holding Lily's hand tightly in his. Only now does Sirius notice the enormous diamond ring she's wearing. He doesn't know how he missed it when she came in. It is nearly the size of someone's pupil and sparkling every which way. 'Look, I know it's early and it isn't as if we're getting married  _now_. But things are getting serious between us. Especially now that Lily's going off to university, it's really starting to hit how much we're going to miss each other. We both need some security to come back to. So, we're already planning to have her move in with me for the moment and...' James shrugs. 'I honestly can't wait to spend every moment of my day with her.'

'Aw,' Lily coos, leaning in to kiss James on the lips. 'Me, too, love.'

Sirius is yet again struck with the urge to vomit. Instead, he stuffs chips into his mouth and pretends that he hasn't just heard his friend confess his sure fire suicide plan. This is ludicrous! They can't get married now! They've just turned eighteen! Though, between the two of them, James has always been the one to settle down earliest. Still, Sirius imagined that day would come when they were in their thirties or even fifties, after having spent a good amount of time in a dedicated relationship. Not this... _sham._ It has hit Sirius a few times that Lily might just be going along with this for James's money, but he has kept this idea to himself. He knows Remus will be cross if Sirius ever voiced his opinion.

'I'm happy for you,' Remus, who has been quiet since the beginning of James's confession, finally speaks. 'I'm very happy for the both of you.'

Sirius only then realises that Lily's eyes have been trained on Remus the entire time, seeking approval. Now that he's finally given it, she jumps up to hug him, eyes glittering and delirious laughter escaping her lips. Sirius only grits his teeth; he is hit yet again with that feeling that Remus and Lily are  _too_ close. Why does she always have to sit beside Remus, even when James is around? Why does she feel the need to  _touch_ so much? Sirius knew they shared beds sometimes during sleepovers; and secrets between them are far too many to count. They have their own little jokes and secret glances; and Lily remembers every detail of Remus's life with perfect clarity. It is  _abnormal._

'Oh, Remus! I knew you'd support me! Mum and dad are just having a cow and I really need someone to talk to them about it. You will, won't you?' She pulls back and looks at him with wide hopeful eyes. 'I mean, it isn't as if I'm going to quit my studies or anything; I'm still going ahead with medical school. And this decision isn't as rash as it seems; James and I have really talked about this and…well…' She blushes as she glances back at James. 'We-'

Remus puts a hand over her mouth, chuckling. 'I'll talk to them, I promise. And I'll help you move in as well.'

'Are you inviting yourself over, Monsieur Lupin?' James asks with a horrid posh accent that sounds surprisingly like Sirius's.

Remus grins. 'Of course I am. Have this known, Monsieur Potter, that I am part of the deal. If you marry Lily, you marry me, too.'

James dissolves into hysterical laughter. Sirius really doesn't find this funny. He honestly doesn't. Instead, all he feels is a strange sort of unexplainable jealousy bubbling inside of him. It makes him clench his fists and glare daggers at Lily, which she duly ignores. It makes him want to monopolise Remus and snatch him away from everyone who tries and claims to be his friend. It is irrational and ridiculous, but Sirius can't seem to stop the way he feels; or even explain it for that matter.

'Only if you don't mind my end of the deal,' James points at Sirius. 'We should just marry the two of you together and save ourselves the trouble early on.' He dissolves into another bout of laughter and only realises that he's taken one joke too far when a sort of awkward silence falls over them. His eyes scan guiltily along Lily, Sirius and then Remus - none of them seem to know what more to say. James coughs, 'Right, so anyone seen the footy match lately? There was a penalty on-'

Remus stands up abruptly, eyes fixed on his plate of fish and chips. His chair tilts slightly, looking as if it will fall over, but then comes back into place like a rocking chair. 'I'll just be back from the loo,' he mutters softly. He doesn't even wait for an answer before heading off to the tiny corner that leads to another corridor. The loos in this pub are filthy, and Remus had once commented that he wouldn't be caught going there even if his bladder had swollen to the size of China.

It is enough to arouse suspicion and Sirius, too, gets up without offering much explanation. Lily and James don't ask, almost as if telepathically knowing why and where. He brushes past one of the bar men as he heads off to the loo corridor and the pungent smell of old piss hits him hard. He has an overwhelming desire to turn back or vomit his food on the spot, but quells both and pushes the men's door. Just as Sirius remembers, the floor tiles are caked in muddy footprints and the walls are tinged a dirty yellow. The urinals look as if they haven't been washed in years and there is no toilet paper in any of the cubicles. Sirius reckons most of the waiters' tips are used to clean bottoms instead.

A quick scan around and Sirius finds Remus at the sink, washing his face vigorously. 'Are you all right?'

'Of course not,' Remus snaps to Sirius's surprise. 'My best friend is getting hitched with a bloke she barely knows and if she's really serious about this, then she is a fucking fool. Because right now, this looks like a complete disaster that is sure to either end in tears or possible murder. And it's not as if I don't trust James or like him, but this is fucking insane! What are they thinking?' He pants heavily, eyes wide and wild as they look at Sirius. Then, as if realising the absurdity of his rant, he blushes and quickly looks away. 'Sorry.'

Sirius blinks away his surprise. 'No, don't be. You're right.' He places a hand on Remus's shoulder and forces him to turn. 'You're completely right. This whole thing is suicide. That's what I thought the minute they mentioned it. But then, why did you agree to talk to Lily's parents. You seemed so… _happy._ '

Remus pinches the bridge of his nose tiredly. 'Of course I agreed. She's my best friend; it's my job to support her every step of the way just like it's yours for James. She'd hate me if I didn't. Also,' He hesitates before admitting, 'I haven't seen her this happy in a long time.'

Only then does Sirius realise what an idiot he'd been to James.

'I mean, just because it'll never happen to me doesn't mean it can't work for anyone else, right?' Maybe it  _will_ last and they'll stay married forever; and all of us will look back on this day with a laugh and realise how stupid we were for not seeing it. And fuck, do I want it to work…more than anything else; I would really love to see them together till the end.' Remus shrugs and looks up at Sirius with a smile. He is truly beautiful; selfless and caring and everything that Sirius has ever attributed to perfection.

Gosh, Remus is beautiful. 'It will work for you,' Sirius says slowly, perhaps completely missing the point Remus is trying to raise. 'Maybe not today or even next month or this year, but you'll definitely get there.'

Remus snorts and moves away. Only then does Sirius realise that he was holding both of Remus's hands tightly in his this entire time. 'Look at me, Sirius. You were right that night; I'm the type that always wants a relationship and while that might be a great mindset to attract birds, it's like dropping the Hiroshima for a bloke. And this scares the hell out of me.' It is the first time Remus is actually voicing out his fears to Sirius. Usually, they only talk about trivial things like movies or sports. But for the first time, Sirius is seeing a wholly insecure side of Remus that makes him almost uncomfortable. 'What if I never get there, Sirius? What if I spend my whole life searching for that certain someone and never find him because my standards are too high? It isn't as if there's a whole line of options waiting for me, so isn't it smarter to just settle for the first person I see?'

 _Mad._ Sirius thinks Remus is raving mad to be thinking such complicated thoughts. 'You're mad,' Sirius points out and flicks Remus on the forehead. 'You could have anyone you wanted. You just need to open your eyes; there is an entire queue trying to make their way into your trousers.' Somehow, Sirius feels he shouldn't have revealed this bit of information. What if Remus really did open his eyes and realise how brilliant he is? What if Remus decided to have his pick from the queue?

'That waiter who served us was pretty decent…'

 _Hell no,_ Sirius thinks. 'And straight. This pub is for  _straight_  people, Remus. Don't get ahead of yourself.'

Remus chuckles and shakes his head. 'All right, all right. Come on,' he pats Sirius on the shoulder before pulling the bathroom door open. 'We look like a couple of birds who decided to go into the loo together for a chat about boyfriends. No need to smear the name of fags this way. We have our pride.'

Sirius hurries along, bumping shoulders with Remus and laughing for no particular reason, except that Remus looks hilarious when he's saving himself from toppling over. They shove at each other, warring and racing to the table. The waiter Remus had found attractive looks at them funny and Sirius sticks out his tongue childishly, before dissolving into laughter all over again. He is glad the topic is off their chest; even more so because Remus had shared the same feelings as Sirius. This is why he loves Remus; because with him Sirius finally feels free.

'Remus and I have decided to move in together,' Sirius declares, once they've collapsed to their seats, still giggling.

This time, it is Remus's turn to spit his beer at James's face. 'What?'

James is the only one who doesn't look surprised by this sudden decision; only disgruntled at having to wipe his face yet again with a used napkin.

'Well, it's only reasonable,' Sirius reasons, feeling a little less sure of himself than he was a minute ago under Remus's shocked gaze. 'We are both going to London to study and we'll both be skint, so it only makes sense to share an apartment together.' This is a complete lie. Sirius had no plans whatsoever of ever going to university when he'd first moved in with the Potters. He had been planning to live off his Uncle Alphard's fortune for the rest of his life, maybe invest in a few businesses, but nothing more. He was also far from skint. 'I heard dorm prices are off the scale and study partners are a must if you want to get through even the first year.' Truth is, Sirius has been pestering James to find out exactly which universities Remus is hoping to get into so that he can apply to the exact same ones. His family name and status is enough to get him through even on short notice. Sirius realises that this is a bit creepy but he tells himself that he needs a friend once James is gone, and that a career in architecture cannot be that bad. Sirius likes to live in houses, so perhaps he will also enjoy making houses. 'So, really, Remus, close your mouth and just agree to move in with me.'

James throws a chip at him for his lame attempt at nonchalance.

Remus closes his mouth as requested, but it seems it is from the lack of anything to say. He stutters out a few syllables here and there but it is nothing intelligible. He looks helplessly at Lily, who is glaring furious daggers at Sirius. Not that Sirius cares; he bloody hates her and always will till the end of eternity. 'I-' Remus starts. 'You-' he tries again, his lips pursing and face scrunching with confusion. 'You are mad…'

Sirius takes it as a yes.

* * *

'You did it!' Sirius rejoices, pushing past the crowd and practically leaping towards Remus. He pulls the other boy into a tight hug and kisses him on the cheek. 'You did it!' He pulls back to survey the silver medal sitting proudly upon Remus's chest, wet from the water dripping off Remus's hair. It is true that Remus didn't win first place in the championship, but given that he was sick during a large part of the practices, Sirius thinks this is a great achievement. Already, there have been four university scouts who have approached Remus, pulling him away one after another to probably put down something of a sales pitch. Remus already has a bag full of goodies – pens, jumpers, scarves; all printed with their respective university insignia. The one that catches Sirius's eye, however, is Hogwarts – the University Remus had been desiring for. 'What did they say?'

Remus's cheeks are flushed from happiness as he pushes Sirius away slightly. 'Hogwarts welcomes me with open arms.' His grin matches Sirius. 'Dad is going to be so proud. All those stories he used to tell me about the Initiation and Housing Ceremony – do you reckon I'd be in Gryffindor?'

Sirius throws an arm over Remus's shoulder. It doesn't escape his notice that Remus is wearing the purple shirt Sirius had given him as good luck. Well, luck is the reason he gave Remus, but he'd only bought it for the sole reason he buyst all of Remus's gifts – to make the boy smile. It is odd really, how every time Sirius goes to the store, he thinks about how nice Remus will look in that blue shirt or how his amber eyes will match that jacket, and so forth. Buying things for Remus is an impulse he cannot control. 'We both will, you just watch! I-'

'Remus!'

Sirius finds his heart stop and his throat tighten, and he turns slowly to confirm his worst nightmare. Sirius has been trying to avoid this very situation for four months now and he has been successful so far. But now, there is no running away from Remus's parents. They are too close and Remus's father, who is a big, big man, looks murderous. Sirius can almost feel the ground shaking with every step he takes towards them. Sirius's feet are frozen, but he sets his face to look brave and nonchalant. Remus's friendship is worth any punch he might have to take; though Sirius still wishes he had some kind of heroic speech prepared. The kind they showed in the movies, where everybody started to clap at the end. Past John Lupin, Sirius can see Lily and James following in what can only be described as a manic waddle-walk. Immediately, Sirius's hatred for Lily tells him that she has brought them here to slay Sirius because she is evil that way. But it is obvious that is not the case by her worried expression and James's frantic hand motions telling him to run before Sirius's throat is slit.

'Remus, what is this  _boy_ doing here?' Mrs. Lupin asks furiously, while John Lupin stands in the sidelines looking menacing. Dimly, Sirius remembers being told that as much as Remus is a momma's boy, Mr. Lupin is his wife's slave. Which only proves that Mrs. Lupin is a dangerous woman. 'I explicitly told you not to meet him again!'

Remus colours brightly. 'He is my friend!'

Sirius opens his mouth to defend himself but all he can manage is a croak. 'Mrs. Lupin, I-'

She rounds on him, amber eyes flashing dangerously. 'Look, Sirius, I don't know what you're up to but just because he's kind doesn't mean he's easy. I will not tolerate you-'

'MUM, THAT'S ENOUGH!' Remus screams suddenly, taking everyone by shock. The gym is noisy, but the few families that were chatting beside them stop to stare. Mrs. Lupin looks like someone has stabbed her in the back and Sirius probably thinks it's because Remus never raises his voice, least of all to his mother. It is horrible of him to celebrate the fact that Remus is standing up for him, especially since it is at the cost of defying his parents. But Sirius cannot help it; there is happiness and pride bubbling within him. Pity it doesn't give him courage to speak up though; and he wonders where all his wit and suave charm have gone. He really should have had a speech prepared.

Remus is pulled to the side by Mr. and Mrs. Lupin roughly. They all look furious and Sirius can do nothing to save the situation but stare at his feet. He is stuck – unable to move an inch. He can hear drops of their conversation:

' _A runaway…delinquent….even his family disowned him!'_

Sirius feels his throat tighten and he clenches his fist tightly. He is sure not to catch either James or Lily's eyes because he knows what he will find there:  _pity._

' _I will not have you consort with….boys like him are…'_

Shame burns his face and behind his eyelids.

Sirius should leave.

Sirius really should just leave, but he finds himself frozen, listening to every single thing being said about him. It is mortifying because it is all true. All of it about his family, about him is true. There is no denying it.

' _Are you really going to let him use you like…Remus, you never stand up for yourself, that's your…I'm telling you to…'_

Sirius finally finds the courage to turn around and start walking, when suddenly a hand grabs his wrist firmly. 'I'm standing up for myself now!' He finds Remus screaming to his parents. Somehow, their argument has deviated to include Sirius and they are now standing facing each other – Remus's parents looking furious on one side and Remus and Sirius on the other. Remus's face is contorted in anger – brows furrowed, hair askew, cheeks flushed; and all Sirius's horny brain can think is Remus looks damn good angry. 'I'm standing up for my friend!' Remus states with a jerk of their joint hands. 'So, you might as well get used to it because I'm keeping him!'

Sirius thinks it is a bad time to mention that he is really not a dog you can just 'keep'. 'Remus, you shouldn't-' Sirius is trying to say that Remus doesn't have to do all this for him, least of all with his parents, but he never really gets to complete it.

'Shut up!' Remus snarls and then tugs at Sirius's hand. 'Shut up and just come!'

* * *

'Sorry about my mum.'

Sirius shrugs, pretending that Mrs. Lupin's cold attitude and horrible words didn't sting just a little bit. Remus had taken him out for a movie and greasy fish and chips to lighten the mood, where they had avoided speaking about the whole ordeal like boys were meant to do. It was how they worked. And if Remus feared getting into trouble once he got home, he certainly didn't show it.

'It's only fair,' Sirius replies after a while. 'I mean, she heard a good deal of what happened between us and...well, I wouldn't want me in the house either after everything I did. I'm just glad she doesn't know about us moving in together, yet...'

So, they are lying in the grass now, enjoying the first hints of summer. It is still only June, so they still have to keep their coats on to keep away the slight chill. There are sandwich crumbs and empty coffee cups lying in between their bodies as they search for unusual shapes in the clouds. Sirius has so far found a giant squid, an ogre, and a lightning bolt. Remus has found a pair of hairy balls and an ice cream cone.

Remus hums softly, his head turning to the side to give Sirius a reassuring smile. 'It's weird to think that we're going to university together. I mean, I'm actually excited. I've never been to London and to have someone with me makes things a lot more fun.'

'Let's just hope we don't run into my parents,' Sirius mutters darkly.

Remus looks at him oddly. 'I'll never understand you relationship with them.'

'Me either,' Sirius sighs. 'I want to be free of them, but sometimes, I feel like it's impossible. Everything they do and say infuriates me. Every time I see them in the papers or the telly, I want to rip their smug faces apart and do horrid things to them. It's... _complicated.'_

Remus pats his thigh sympathetically. 'I'm sorry.'

Sirius shrugs. 'Don't be.'

A wind ruffles their hair, lifting it gently before letting it fall haphazardly across their foreheads. The silence between them isn't unpleasant, but both boys shift in an attempt to dissuade it. Unconsciously, their legs move closer to each other till their thighs touch and the arms folded casually behind their heads overlap.

'My favourite colour is yellow. What's yours?

Sirius looks at Remus quizzically. 'What?'

Remus rolls his eyes as if Sirius is being purposely stupid. 'What's your favourite colour?'

Sirius shrugs, playing along. 'Red, I suppose. What's your favourite band?'

Remus grins. 'Queen. All-time favourite song?'

'Deep Purple's Burn. Favourite movie?'

'Haven't got one. Favourite actor?'

Sirius raises an eyebrow, but continues, 'Sean Connery. First kiss?'

Remus blushes, hesitating before finally admitting to the truth, 'Lily Evans.'

Sirius feels that old jealousy flare up again. 'Lily? Really?' he asks, hoisting himself up on his elbow. Of course Lily is Remus's first kiss. It is always Lily. 'Don't tell me you lost your virginity to her as well...'

'No.' Suddenly Remus's voice takes a sombre tone. 'We never slept together.' His amber eyes look up at Sirius, straight white teeth biting into flushed pink lips. 'It was you,' he whispers softly, his head falling sideways to the grass as he looks away. 'You were the first person I ever slept with.'

And suddenly, the enormity of his actions hit him. 'M-me?' he stutters, still unable to believe Remus's confession. He feels like an utter arse; of course Remus had been angry at him that night; of course he had wanted it to mean more. 'I-' Sirius no longer knows what to say because he himself cannot describe what he's feeling. On one hand, he feels guilt over his actions that night, of his insensitivity towards Remus's feeling and his complete lack of tact. On the other hand, a traitorous part of him rejoices over being Remus's first; is glad that no one has ever laid hand on Remus before this.

Sirius has two options, really. To either apologise or rejoice. He doesn't dwell on it much and follows his instincts like he always does. And right now, his instincts are leading him to press his lips against Remus's, tentatively at first and then with a bit more pressure. It is a chaste kiss, a simple press of lips that send tingles down Sirius's spine and makes his knees feel like jelly. He doesn't even realise his eyes are closed until he's opened them; and he finds himself kneeling on top of Remus. He can't help but stare. This isn't the first time he has thought Remus beautiful. With him sprawled underneath Sirius like this, light brown hair shining gold in the sun and cheeks flushed pink against his pale skin; Remus is truly and utterly gorgeous. Sirius runs a hand over Remus's cheek, thumb tracing the smooth curvature of his lips. He finds his hand still in shock when a tear suddenly pools in Remus's eyes and then cascades sideways down his cheek.

'What's wrong?' Sirius asks in panic. Had he hurt him again? Had he done something stupid again?

'You need to stop this, Sirius.' Remus whispers and his expression seems pained. He wipes his eyes roughly, even though they are dry. 'You need to stop leading me on like this. Applying to the same university as me, wanting to live together, constantly touching and asking me to go places with you - what am I supposed to think when you do things like this? I'm trying to be a good mate to you, but you're making it really hard for me by giving me hope.'

'I-I'm sorry,' Sirius replies, more out of bafflement than guilt. He doesn't understand. He only did what he wanted to do. Like always, Sirius only follows his instincts and his instincts have always told him to keep close to Remus. He wants to be with Remus, no matter what lengths he needs to go. At times, Remus feels like oxygen to him - impossible to live without.

Remus covers his mouth as he lets out a dry sob. 'I'm in love with you, you stupid git.'

Sirius's eyes widen.

_Love?_

Remus sits up, shaky hands running through his hair. Sirius realises with horror that Remus's breathing seems to be speeding up. 'And it isn't like I haven't tried. I keep telling myself that it will never work out and you will never feel the same about me, but I-'

'Remus, calm down...'

'I'm trying, Sirius! I'm trying!' Remus cries, burying his face into his hands. He takes a deep shuddering breath and Sirius feels fear grip his heart, as he remembers Remus's last trip to the hospital. 'I'm really trying to stop but I'm too far gone.'

'Remus,' Sirius soothes, rubbing Remus's back in quick circular strokes. 'It's all right. Breathe.' And Sirius found that it  _was_  all right. Unlike last time, Sirius finds that he isn't panicking at all. 'Remus,' he repeats, 'it's all right. Listen to me, it's  _all right_.' His hand moves to Remus's brown hair, fingers slipping through the light curls at the back of his neck in a repetitive motion. He wishes Remus would stop crying. It feels as if someone is twisting a knife in his gut and all Sirius wants is Remus to stop crying. Has he really hurt Remus this much? 'Shhh...'

'I'm sorry,' Remus rasps out in between sobs. 'I'm really sorry, Sirius. I know this is the last thing you want to deal with right now and it's not even fair to just spring this on you.' One hand rises to clutch Sirius's coat limply, almost pleadingly. 'Tell me what to do...'

Sirius closes his hand over Remus's, pressing it to his chest where he is sure Remus can feel his heart beating rapidly. 'Let me kiss you again,' he says softly. When Remus looks up at him with startled amber eyes, Sirius feels his breath hitch. He feels cruel for thinking that Remus looks beautiful when he cries - teary eyes, pink cheeks, and an expression that makes Sirius want to encase him in his arms and protect him with everything he has. 'I'll do it right this time,' Sirius assures, resting a hand on each of Remus's cheeks, thumbs brushing away stray tears. He leans closer, until their lips are brushing, and Sirius is acutely aware of each of Remus's shaky exhales against his skin. 'I promise, I'll do it right this time.'

* * *

Remus swings the front door open, takes in the spectacle before him and says, 'Sorry, I don't think I know you,' before closing it again.

Sirius huffs in annoyance and rings the door bell again. 'Remus, open up! It's me: Sirius!' When Remus still refuses to open, he bangs on the door with his fist loud enough to attract the neighbours' attention. Already, he can see a few curious heads peeking out of from behind window curtains. 'Reeeemus! Let me in!' Sirius is just preparing to sing God Save the Queen on top of his lungs when Remus finally yields.

He stands at the door, surveying Sirius head to toe before asking, 'Are we going to a wedding?'

'No,' Sirius replies confused.

'A funeral, perhaps?'

'No.'

'Then please tell me why you are dressed like this?'

Sirius thinks he looks very smart, thank you very much, and really does not appreciate the disgusted look Remus is shooting him. The suit he is wearing happens to be very expensive, and tailor made especially for him. It fits his body like a glove, the dark charcoal grey complementing his eyes spectacularly. The white oxford underneath is crisp white, as he has had the Potter's maid iron it for him twice; and his shoes are shined to perfection. He has also gotten Mr. Potter to knot his burgundy tie so that it sits smartly across his collar.

'They won't let you in with jeans,' Sirius comments haughtily, casting a disdainful look towards Remus's ripped knees. His heart does flutter a little when he notices Remus is wearing the shirt Sirius gave him, but that isn't enough to pull him out of his strop. 'You'll need to change.'

'Sirius,' Remus says slowly, as if talking to a child, 'I thought we were just going for dinner?'

Sirius rolls his eyes. 'We are.' Remus is  _middle class,_ he tells himself. That is probably the reason why he is being so daft. Sirius doesn't mean to be condescending but he would think that he has made their dinner plans fairly obvious.

'Then why are you asking me to dress like we're heading off to the Queen's ball?' Remus plants his feet firmly to the ground. 'Sirius, I'm not going anywhere ridiculously expensive where there's more plate than food and that horrid piano music playing in the background. I thought you wanted burgers or chips or...or...' Remus raises his hands exasperatedly. 'Anything but this!'

Sirius pouts petulantly. 'Look, I asked James and he told me this is what going on a date means. I take you to a fancy restaurant, act chivalrous and open doors and things for you, and then we go for a moonlit walk in the park. This is meant to be romantic!' He crosses his arms over his chest. 'We always go for movies and chips together, so it doesn't exactly make for a proper date. And I told you I'd get things right this time, so just-' Sirius huffs in frustration and stomps his feet a little, willing Remus to understand.

And like always, Remus does and he smiles that lovely warm smile that makes Sirius feel just a little less awkward. He looks back over his shoulders to check, then beckons Sirius inside when the coast seems clear. Sirius assumes Remus's parents are still less than thrilled over his presence. 'I only have a suit from my Great Aunt Penelope's fifth wedding,' Remus explains as they climb up the stairs to his bedroom.

'Is it bad?' Sirius asks, closing the door behind them and taking his usual seat on Remus's bed. The covers are ridiculously flowery today, which tells Sirius that Mrs. Lupin probably made Remus's bed this morning.

Remus shoots Sirius an apprehensive look before fishing out what can only be assumed to be a suit out of his cupboard. 'It's tartan,' he says disdainfully, holding the hanger between his index and thumb like it was a bit of rubbish.

It is rubbish. It is beyond rubbish, Sirius thinks. It is an atrocity. A suit made entirely of green and brown Irish tartan. The colours stung Sirius's eyes to the point of tears. 'Why?' Is all he can bring himself to ask.

Remus tries to shrug nonchalantly, but the rapid colouring of his face is a dead giveaway. 'My dad's Irish.' He put the suit back into the far end of the cupboard; and even in the dark, Sirius can make out the print perfectly. 'It was meant to be a kilt initially, but...'

Sirius shudders.

'Look,' Remus starts settling down beside Sirius, their legs swinging together. 'Let's go to the Three Broomsticks, but we'll order a private booth and some low lighting. It will be our little make shift dinner date; and later you can walk me home. If you want to, of course.' Remus says the end bit with a bright blush across his face, his eyes shifting from one end of the room to another in an attempt to avoid meeting Sirius's eyes.

'Don't suppose you could lend me a t-shirt?' Sirius replies with a grin.

* * *

'You eyes are like black raisins.'

Remus rolls his eyes. 'They're brown.'

Sirius waves it off, continuing his mock flirting (another thing James had asked him to do as part of a ritualistic date). 'They're gorgeous, just like you hair which are like waves of luscious chocolate. And you skin is of the smoothest cream.'

'Is there any part of me which is  _not_ edible?'

'None,' Sirius laughs, gnawing at Remus's neck before pulling him into a kiss. It is chaste, simply a brush of lips that taste like chocolate, cheap wine, and dreams. Because that is exactly what tonight has been for Remus - a dream. As promised, they'd gone to the Three Broomsticks and sat in an isolated corner of the pub, legs intertwined under the table. Sirius had been a little over the top with his "date" concept, pulling out chairs and holding out doors, but Remus had found that he honestly couldn't complain. They'd talked about trivial things like they always did; made fun of James and Lily; pulled pranks on the waiter by pretending to be French - things they always did really. The only difference was the weight of Sirius's hand in his and the occasional kisses that Sirius would bestow his cheeks. They've also never gone on a moonlit walk before, even if it is only as far as Remus's home. They'd taken the longest route possible, getting off the bus a few stops earlier and then idling away at the park near Remus's house.

Sirius jumps up on the borders of one of the tackier fountains (a headless boy with what is presumably pee coming from his nether regions). He twirls and laughs, eyes sparkling brighter than the stars as he sings off tune in an attempt to serenade Remus (another one of James's ideas, no doubt).

' _They, asked me how I knew...my true love was you...'_

He pulls Remus up, twirling and dancing with him, their feet coming precociously close to the edges. Remus reckons, as infectious laughter bursts from his lips, that he wouldn't mind falling into a fountain right now. As long as Sirius is with him as he falls, he couldn't bring himself to care less.

Even now, Remus still hasn't come to grips with how he got so lucky.

'Shh, do you hear that?'

'What?' Remus asks puzzled, already straining his ears.

'There's someone having sex nearby!' Sirius whispers excitedly. It isn't anything new; the park here plays something of a double role. In the mornings, it is a play area for children of all ages and at night, it is a play area for adults of all ranges. Remus remembers the day he and Lily had found a used condom in second grade and brought it back to home, thinking it had just been a very soggy balloon.

'We should probably let them be,' Remus replies, shrugging and jumping of the fountain ledge. 'By the sounds of it, they'll be done soon enough.'

'Psh, you're no fun. Let's scare them!'

Remus raises an eyebrow. 'I could howl like a wolf?' he suggests, wondering when he has let Sirius's prankster ways consume him. He used to be such a good boy.

Sirius shoots him a brilliantly wicked look, before starting in his loudest, most embarrassing voice possible. 'Oh, oh, oh God, Moony, faster!' To Remus's horror, Sirius is practically screaming on top of his lungs. 'That's it - oh, there, there, FUCK, there!'

'What are you doing?' Remus whispers, grabbing Sirius's forearm and looking around to see if anyone else is around. Sirius has gone completely mad. There is no other explanation for the obscene noises he's making or why he is repeatedly banging the nearest tree trunk in a  _thunk thunk_ motion.

'Harder, Moony, harder!' Sirius yells, clutching Remus and muffling laughter into his shoulder.

Remus really does not appreciate the name Moony. 'Oooh, Padfoot!' He mock swoons and takes up a husky voice, suddenly feeling vengeful. It is not fair for only him to have a ridiculous nick name. 'Padfoot, you are such a slut for my cock! That's right, babe, take it!'

Dead silence fills the air. It seems the other couple have just realised that both their voices, screaming in pleasure, are very much male. Remus almost wishes he could see their faces as it hits them, and even wonders if they are running away from horror. Sirius stares at him with something akin to shock and admiration. Remus finds himself going red under his gaze, suddenly feeling very subconscious about being so boldly dirty mouthed. And then suddenly, both of them burst into uncontrollably giggles; falling over each other as they quickly stumble out of the park. It is one of the maddest things he's done and it feels fucking fantastic. It is only Sirius who can make him do these things. Sirius, who brings out a mischievous side of Remus that he always buries between books and responsibility. Sirius, who holds his hand as they run across the street for no particular reason but to feel the wind in their hair and the adrenaline pumping through their veins. Sirius, who kisses him so fully that it makes Remus's heart go wild and his chest threaten to explode.

'This is it, I guess,' Sirius whispers pulling away, once they reach Remus's front door. His eyes are slightly hazy and his lips are parted invitingly. Sirius's hands still linger around Remus's waist, thumbs rubbing slow, sensuous circles underneath his shirt. 'I hope you had a good time, even though things didn't go according to plan. I shouldn't have trusted James's advice anyways.'

Remus didn't know what to say, his tongue already tied into a range of strange knots from sheer happiness. So he just hugs Sirius tighter, head falling to rest on Sirius's wonderfully broad shoulders. He can feel the other boy's heartbeat against his and feels extremely soppy for wanting this moment to last forever.

'This is the first date I've ever gone on,' Sirius admits softly, resting his chin on Remus's shoulder. 'I don't know why. When I first found out I was gay, I just wanted to experiment. And after that it was always about a bit of fun. James thinks I'm terrified of relationships because of my family but...' He shrugs and Remus can feel the uncertainty in the tightness of Sirius's muscles. 'You're the first person who's been able to make me feel like this.'

'That's not what you thought at first,' Remus says softly.

Sirius shakes his head. 'I fancied you something unnatural, even though I knew you were off limits. At first, I thought it was maybe because you were a decent looking chap, quite fit, too.' He punctuated this point with a squeeze of Remus's arse cheeks. 'But when we weren't talking and then when you were admitted into Mungo's - those were the worst few weeks of my life. And then even when we were friends again, we'd barely touch and I kept getting jealous over every little thing that got closer to you than I was. More and more, I felt like I had to keep you all to myself; it was ridiculous.'

Remus feels himself blushing over Sirius's admission. There is something inside him that is threatening to burst from sheer elation and he is sure that he is already floating a few inches of the ground. 'Do you want to come in?' He asks, moving out of their embrace while biting his lower lip nervously. 'My parents are asleep so I'm sure you could sneak in.'

Sirius raises an eyebrow. 'My, aren't we bold? On the very first date?'

Remus grins cheekily, letting the door open behind him. He backs into his house, tilting his head in invitation. 'What can I say? You've turned me into a slag...' He kicks of his shoes to the corner, internally thanking his parents for leaving the hall lights off for once. Despite the slight stumbling, at least Sirius can't see his pathetic attempts at a seductive expression. 'Are you coming or not?'

'Fuck yeah,' Sirius whispers, practically running in to catch up. As soon as the lock to the front door clicks in place, it becomes a mad rush to get to Remus's bedroom. Remus is sure his back will be full of bruises tomorrow from all the times Sirius has pushed him against the staircase banisters for a snog. Sirius's kisses are just like his personality: messy and passionate and so very hot that it threatens to bring Remus's knees to the floor. Two pairs of hands scrabble to reach skin under clothes, nearly knocking down furniture in the process. Giggles escape between parted lips and urgent 'shhhs' are whispered into ears.

'All right?' Sirius asks, once they'd fallen into Remus's bed. Somehow, they are both naked and Remus sincerely hopes that they haven't left any of their discarded clothes outside for his parents to find in the morning.

Remus nods, looking up at Sirius. There is apprehension coiling in his gut along with a heady arousal. He can already feel Sirius's erection rubbing insistently against his hip. Sirius is this hard for  _Remus._ As if needing reassurance, Remus reaches down and closes his fist around Sirius's cock. It is already dripping pre-cum as he swipes his thumb over the head.

'Fuck,' Sirius moans softly, his forehead pressed against Remus's. His breath is hot as it falls over Remus's face and his body is already thrusting slightly, urging Remus to move his hand. 'Fuck, Remus...' Sirius's fingers are digging into Remus's sides; teeth and lips sucking bruises into Remus's neck and shoulders and down his chest. 'I want you...'

Sirius's grey eyes are mesmerising to Remus, pupils blown out from lust. He feels as if he is spiraling into an endless chasm every time he looks at them. Almost transfixed, he turns on his stomach. The apprehension he had been feeling has long since disappeared.

'No,' Sirius whispers, hand on Remus's shoulder as he coaxes him to turn on his back again. 'No, not this way.' He cups Remus's cheek gently and kisses the end of his nose. 'I want to see your face this time.'

And right then, Remus knows that he is well beyond the point of no return. He is completely, madly in love with Sirius Black. It is all he can think of as Sirius enters him, back arching and Remus's name dropping from his lips like a mantra. He finds himself following the trail of sweat down Sirius's chest with his fingers, running his hands down Sirius's back and arse in an attempt to mold them closer. And when Sirius is finally coming inside him, warm and wet, Remus commits every detail of his face to memory. The flush of his cheeks, the haze in his eyes, and the way his body trembles in the aftermath - Remus finds that Sirius has never looked more beautiful to him.

_'Sirius, I love you.'_

When Remus finally wakes up, the first thing he realises is that his bed is empty. When he runs his hand over the sheets, he finds them to be cool; Sirius has left without saying goodbye. 'Sirius?' He calls anyway, in hopes that perhaps Sirius has excused himself to the bathroom or is changing into fresh clothes in some unseen corner of Remus's room. He feels more disappointed than he should when he gets no reply.

Remus closes his eyes. He is naked underneath his sheets, feeling dirty and used. To have fallen for Sirius's charms twice - he feels like a fool. He had been right to think that last night had been a dream. He tries to think back to see if he's made any mistakes perhaps. Had he been too assertive last night, too needy, too weird? Had Sirius decided that he'd had the right idea all along and dating Remus wasn't really what it was cut out to be.

Then again, a hopeful part of his mind supplies, Sirius might have left to avoid being found out. Remus's parents aren't exactly fond of Sirius and finding him in Remus's bed is definitely not on their high list of priorities. Perhaps Sirius had left to save Remus the drama and embarrassment of being found naked in bed?

It certainly sounds like something Sirius would do. Also, Remus can still see Sirius's suit from yesterday at the end of the bed, folded neatly just as Remus had left it.

Feeling hope bubble in his chest, Remus quickly puts on the first pair of trousers and shirt he can find and runs down the stairs. He is just about to give Sirius a call on the telephone when he hears muffled laughter from behind the kitchen doors. Frowning, he perks up his ears in an almost canine movement. He is almost sixty percent sure he can hear Sirius's characteristic bark of laughter from in there.

Hitching up his falling trousers, he curiously pushes open the kitchen door.

'And then Remus does this horrible French accent as says, Monsieur, what iz these feesh and cheeps? Is it cheekeen?'

Last night's dream continues, Remus thinks. Because that is the only way he can explain Sirius sitting at the breakfast table, actually having a civilised conversation with his parents. There are eggs and soldiers laid out on the table and laughter at horrible, horrible jokes. Remus's dad is using his knife for butter instead of murder and his mum seems to actually be enjoying their conversation.

He cannot explain it because he does not know about the little sheet of paper lying under Sirius's bed in the Potter Manor. He does not know how well worn it is from the many times Sirius has opened it to memorise all the words and recite them in front of the mirror. Nor does he know of the many time Sirius has been laughed at by James for addressing their coat hanger as Mrs. Lupin.

'Morning, love,' Sirius greets cheerfully when he notices Remus standing open mouthed at the door. 'Mum, dad and I were just talking about you...'

* * *

'This is the last of them,' James crows joyfully, as he puts a box labeled ' _Stuff_ ' down. 'What the hell did you put in this, Sirius?'

Sirius rolls his eyes and points at the label, 'Exactly what it says, mate: STUFF.'

'I don't remember you ever owning that much  _stuff_ when you were living with me,' James grouches, rubbing his sore back and shoulders. 'You better not have stolen any of my things, Black.'

Sirius does not reply, settling for a mysterious eyebrow wiggle instead.

Remus ignores the pair of them and pushes the curtains open, groaning tiredly. 'I hate London. I've seen cinema halls with more sunlight. Ugh.'

Lily laughs and drapes both arms over his shoulders, hoisting herself up into a piggy back. Her feet stick out on either side of his waist and she rests her chin on the crown of his head. When they were younger, it was Remus who would beg for piggy back rides from Lily; but somewhere in between, Remus had shot up to an impressive six-four and their positions had reversed. Though sometimes, Remus still wishes for an occasional piggyback. He wonders if he can coax Sirius into giving him one sometime.

Speaking of the devil, Remus knows Sirius is probably glaring at Lily's back right now. Sirius has already complained to Remus multiple times that they touch too much. Remus doesn't agree at all. He and Lily are like any other pair of best friends, who like to tussle and hug and occasionally take a bath together. Remus is definitely not naïve and Lily definitely does not take advantage of his naivety. Sirius is stupid; yet, a silly part of Remus still rejoices in the fact that Sirius gets jealous over him.

'I rather like your apartment,' Lily comments, looking out the window. 'Very quaint and er...convenient.'

It is an articulate way of saying it is rather small and cheap. It is essentially just a bedroom and a kitchen, finishing even before it manages to start. Sirius had wanted to splurge on a condo, but Remus had insisted rent be on fair terms. Also, Remus doubted Uncle Alphard's bit of "pocket money" would pay for his nephew's rather expensive college tuition given the lifestyle Sirius was used to (he had gotten the Potter's driver to drop them all the way to London). Not that Remus is complaining. Well, Remus  _is_ complaining, but that doesn't mean he isn't happy. In fact, he is ecstatic to finally have a place of his own. Already, he is harbouring girly fantasies of welcome home kisses; waking up to Sirius's lovely face every morning; and frantic sex on random bits of furniture.

Even though the only random bit of furniture they currently had was a bed and a television. And Remus really didn't want to ruin his telly.

'You're only happy because your apartment's right above ours.' Sirius comments grouchily, pushing Lily quite violently off of Remus's back and onto the floor. He has that disgruntled expression of pure jealousy that Remus takes guilty pleasure in, as he replaces Lily's spot with himself. While Lily was as light as a feather, Sirius is built like a rock. The boy is nearly as tall as Remus and muscled from all the footy matches he plays with James during free hours. Sirius's body is meant for a lot of things, namely sex, but  _not_ for piggybacks. 'I know you did this on purpose, you crazy bint. You can't stand me having him all to myself.' Almost on cue, Remus's arms give out and he lets Sirius fall off his back right next to Lily. They glare at each other venomously and Remus silently wonders if they will  _ever_ like each other.

Lily sticks out her tongue as James helps her up. 'Mate, I told you: I was the one who chose the flat,' James explains, dutifully straightening Lily's clothes and hair. He is utterly and completely whipped by her. The kind of whipped that involves carrying all her bags and giving up his jacket in the cold and wagging his proverbial tail every time she is around.

'Tosh,' Sirius scoffs, getting up and draping himself all over Remus possessively. 'I know you and I know you would have chosen a fucking palace, given free reign. I saw you cringe when you realised the floor is made from marble  _chips_  instead of pure marble.'

James can pose no argument to this. They all know it is true. Remus does not mention that Sirius had nearly cried when he realised they had no luxurious claw footed bathtub or glass door shower. He  _had_ cried when he realised that they would have to commute by tube every day to get to University. Once purebred, always a purebred, Remus thinks with only a hint of sympathy. Then again, who is he to judge when he is a self-proclaimed mummy's boy and had spent over an hour being coddled and cried over by his mother before coming here.

'Master Potter, is this also Master Sirius's  _stuff_?'

James is saved from having to admit his weakness towards Lily by the Potter's driver popping up. The poor man is carrying a box laden with Lily's plethora of clothes and shoes, sweat dripping from his balding scalp. His normally pressed and immaculate suit is in disarray, and he looks miffed at being treated like an ordinary coolie.

'No, William, that would be ours; up another flight,' James hurries to the door, pulling Lily along by the wrist.

William looks like James has asked him to scale the Himalayas. 'As you wish, Master Potter,' he replies with a long suffering sigh, letting James and Lily lead the way up the stairs. He looks back at Sirius and Remus balefully, his old blue eyes noting the way they stand chest to back. Sirius's arms are wound around Remus's waist, hands tucked snugly into Remus's jean pockets. If Sirius has noticed the disapproval in the old man's eyes, he certainly doesn't show it. Instead, he waves a cheerful goodbye to all three of them.

'Come up to help! Five-oh-four!' Remus hears James's voice call out before they disappear completely out of sight.

As soon as they are alone, Sirius turns Remus around by the shoulders so that they're face to face. 'I told you not to let her touch you so much!' he scolds in a way that Remus can't help but snigger to. 'Moony, don't laugh when I'm being serious.' This only causes Remus to burst into uncontrollable giggles. 'Moooonnyyy...' Ever since that night, they have taken to calling each other as Moony and Padfoot - something James finds hilarious. 'Oh, for fuck's sake, hush your mouth.'

'Sorry,' Remus chuckles, kissing Sirius on the cheek. 'She's in love with James, Padfoot. There's no reason to over react. You know she's only faffing about.'

Sirius snorts and is about to say something, when he gets distracted by someone at the door. James and Lily had left it open since Remus and Sirius were meant to follow them upstairs. 'Hello, are you our new neighbours?' Remus turns to see someone peeking into their apartment curiously. 'I'm Fabian. I live next door with my brother Gideon.'

 _Fabian_  is a very attractive bloke; older, probably in his late twenties. Long spiked hair and a pair of smart dark glasses, very unlike James's owlish ones, frame his very angular face. He is extremely well built, broad in every which way, with arms that look like they can snap just about anything in half. Though not as tall as Remus, he looks ridiculously intimidating. More so, because Remus knows that _Fabian_ is exactly the kind of the guy Sirius would sleep with before having met Remus. Well, except for the fact that Fabian is a red head. For some reason, Sirius has developed a very odd correlation between gingers and evil ever since meeting Lily Evans.

'Sirius Black. And this is Remus Lupin.'

Remus finds himself bristling as Fabian's hazel eyes roam appreciatively over Sirius. Already, he can feel his insecurities bubbling and that absurd thought that Sirius is going to get tired of him soon. Sirius never says he loves Remus. Well, he _has_  said it twice in the entire span of their relationship, but it is simply not enough. Not in the face of a very attractive man standing right before them. Not when Remus has no weapons nearby but a toaster to defend his love.

'You should come over sometime.'

Remus is startled out of his murderous thoughts by two very familiar arms finding their place around his waist again. A chin rests over his shoulder and a kiss falls on one side of his jaw lovingly. 'We might,' Sirius replies with a polite smile.

Fabian raises an eyebrow, giving Remus a curious once over and then breaking into a cheeky grin. 'Right. See you around then.'

'You didn't have to say it like that,' Remus complains, pushing Sirius away. 'Now he thinks we're offering up a threesome!'

Sirius bursts into laughter. 'You kinky devil, you. We've hardly been dating a few months and you're already bored with the sex?'

Remus colours. 'You were being suggestive!' he exclaims defensively, arms crossing over his chest. Secretly, he is feeling extremely pleased with Sirius's public show of affection and easy declaration of his relationship with Remus. 'You need to tone down all this flirting or...or people will take it the wrong way.'

'Aw, don't be like that, Moony.' Sirius pulls Remus to him, one hand settling over his bum while the other gently playing with his hair. Remus still doesn't understand how Sirius can be suggestive and sweet at the same time, just by a simple touch. 'You should know that I already can't bear to share you with anyone else.' His fingers move to the nape of Remus's neck, playing with the curled ends of his hair. 'Took me a long time to figure it all out, didn't it? I can't let it go that easily.'

Remus blushes as Sirius's other hand follows up the curve of his arse in slow motion and then moves under his shirt. He casts a nervous glance to the front door which is still ajar and hopes no one passes by. Remus is extremely aware of how close their faces are. Their lips are already brushing against each other, almost kissing but not. Remus wonders at what point he turned into this pathetic little girl, whose knees go weak from just one glance of Sirius's smoldering grey eyes. 'Figure what out?'

Sirius rolls his eyes and gently bumps his forehead against Remus's. 'That I love you, you daft git.'

* * *

 

**The End**

* * *

 


End file.
